I have so many problems, and I'm so scared.

I worry too much.

About the people I'm following, and how inactive they've become. I consider this selfish thinking because what if they've found a way out? What if they found a way to recover? I should be happy for them...but yet, here I am, wondering, thinking, just missing them.

I need to stop this selfishness and focus on important things.

Like how I need to go to the doctor to discuss my period with her. I'm so scared, so scared of many things. I've had my period for 5 years now, and apparently it takes about 3 years max to have a steady, regular cycle. But mine has never been regular. In fact it's so irregular that it worries me. And I don't think it's my eating habits that's causing it. Maybe a little, but I think it's something else. Like imbalanced hormones? I'm just so afraid. I hate going to the doctors because they weigh you, and...uhg. I've always been scared of the doctors. Always hated going there. Does anyone know another reason to my irregular periods? Sometimes the cycle is steady ish...sometimes it isn't. Like this week...I just had it 10 days ago. That can't be normal for this type of thing.

What if they put me on birth control pills? Will I gain weight? I can't gain weight. I've heard stories about terrible weight gains from those things. I hate taking medicine and pills, forms of drugs. Any drugs...I'll hate them all.

Anyway, I do know I haven't been posting much. And I apologize for this due to school (my usual truth excuse). I'm getting a proper grip on it now, but I have 4 tests next week which is going to really bother me. When I'm upset I tend to binge until I feel utterly full. To the point of wanting to throw up. I can't do that as much as I'd like to because I have bad teeth and I cannot let them rot further. Not that they are...it's just that I have a lot of fillings and I have a terrible sweet tooth. I have stopped eating sweets now.

I'm afraid that if I start purging again...the dentist will be able to see. I'm getting braces so I'll have to go there monthly. Besides...some things are too addictive. I won't allow myself to head deeper into the path anymore than I already am. 

But today I woke up early to do my everyday bathroom activities and I think I lost some weight. I think my waist is an inch smaller now. I still don't have a scale (remember my post about being broke?). 

So now I'm relying on mirrors. It's a love hate cycle. At school when I look in the mirrors during dance, I see my fat face. I can feel it hanging there, pulling me down. I really see the fat at school.

At home, I still see it...but not as extreme. Maybe it's because I know I'm safe at home. All my secrets are safe at home. Maybe it's because I know I can do whatever I want. Or that I'm free to NOT to what I don't want to do.

The high of fasting is truly a terrifying, but beautiful thing. The feel of emptiness. If only I can get a good grasp on it - I can truly be happy.

Maybe.

Anyways, I hope you all had a wonderful week, and have a wonderful weekend at that!

Distant Competitions?

Is that even possible?

Let me do some vague summaries first of all, so you won't get confused.

Back in grade 7 I used to be "friends" with this bitch. She spread a lot of rumors behind my back and when I confronted her about it, she just laughed it off and was like, "it's true though, isn't it?"

You have no idea how mad I was. She is the only person besides my dad that I can truly find something in them to hate them for. She also did a lot of other stuff but it's not important. Pre-teen crushes, kay?

Well a few days ago I heard about her again from my friend. Apparently she was pregnant at 15 and had a baby.

Now, my point isn't this so I won't say anything about her choice.

I saw some pictures of her and...well she used to be really fat. I think she lost some weight now which really clicked a button in me. I can't really explain it...but whenever I know someone in real life, and they've lost some weight...even though I don't associate with them anymore...I get extremely competitive.

So it put me in this...well, competitive mood. Attitude. Whatever you call it.

I have the urges to become thinner than her. Better than her. I want to make her jealous, which is pretty ridiculous considering that I've moved and she has no idea where I am. She probably doesn't even remember me. Haven't seen her for 4 years. Isn't this just stupid? Well, it's not stopping me from my craziness.

Also, I didn't tell you about why I haven't been exercising. The lady said I wasn't supposed to after my "dental surgery (wisdom teeth pulled out)" so I've been listening. It's almost a week now so I think it's all right if I do some hardcore exercises, right? I'm also taking some pills for it like I mentioned in my last post so I don't know if that's going to affect me in any way...but I'm determined to shed my fat before Xmas. It's my next goal.

I want to reach my goal weight before that. I want to be in the double digits. Preferably 98 lbs.

My swollen week

=_____=; Literally. Almost.

First thing's first, thanks for the comments, my dear followers. And I see I have a few new ones. ;D

Now there's something I've been meaning to tell you guys about, but I don't think I know how to - properly. I know some of you read my blog, and you're probably wondering who I am. You know? I don't have any info up yet because like my title says, I've built these metal walls around myself - to keep enemies from finding me. I don't want anyone to find out about this. But I'm here, and I'm a hundred percent sure you guys aren't my enemies. Right? Yeah.

I'll write something up someday. Know that I'm not some kind of creeper robot or anything like that.

So ahem, starting from the day I got my wisdom teeth pulled out.

Wednesday

-didn't eat anything after this because my cheeks hurt and obviously my gums

-but in the morning I binged

Thursday

-major swelling

-ate 2 yogurts 70 cals

-a banana 200...? o___o I had no idea, but that's a rough estimate after web searches

-almost the whole condensed can of tomato soup (nothing in it) approx 300?

Total: approx 570 

Friday

-whole can of condensed mushroom soup approx 400 cals?

-some crackers in it 90 cals

-2 slices of cantalope approx 90 cals?

-at dinner, binged on whole bowl of noodles and big bowl of rice soup thing (gross, all that carb) approx 500?? D;

Total: around 1080

Today:

-7 soda crackers in a very small rice bowl size of tomato soup. approx 150 c

AND tonight, I'm going to just drink the soup. I'm going to save it so it will last for the whole day.

As you can see...my week has been pretty bad. I have to take these pills for a whole entire week so I have no idea how that's affecting my weight. I have so much studying to do. Uhg...I just want it to be Christmas already. I love it. 

I know I'll have at least a week with no school.

My cheek is still swollen. STILL. 

Lastly, if you're wondering why I never state my weight, it's because I got it taken away. I was also going to buy another one myself and hide it, but when I went to the mall, I couldn't resist the new itouch. I've been like, drooling after it ever since it was released. So yeah...dead broke. Mind you, I'm NOT rich. The money was from birthday and chores. Around 3-4 months of saving? =/ Maybe less.

It's worth it. I can surf the web and watch vids on youtube. I can even go read all your blogs on there! ;D

With it, hopefully, I can get more motivation...by searching for pics and reading blogs without worrying about having to delete the history. I mean there is a button on it...but no one can get in because of the passcode every uhm....5 mins of not doing anything? Yeah sure. Something like that.

Now, back to weight issues. As always.

Last time I weighed myself...I was 107. I don't even know if that's accurate because it was in the middle of the day and I kind of...ate and drank. A lot of water. This was at the doctors. (I'm literally dieing from my want to get on a scale)

It's really hard to detect a fake smile

It really is.

People say they can find their friend's fake smiles and real smiles. But can they really? Or is it just their mind playing tricks on them?

All my smiles are genuine at school...because my friends make me happy and always manage to make me smile. But I haven't laughed like a maniac for months now. I miss my bestie who's just...not far away, but the distance between our friendship is like a thin string already being shred apart in the center. I miss laughing nonstop, and I miss the crazy days we had.

But if I was given a choice I wouldn't go back there. I hate that place. I can't face those people because I grew up with them and they're evil. At least here, I know people don't know me very well. I'm a mystery to them. Even my friends don't know me well enough. They only see the surface.

I'm so selfish. If I could bring my bestie back here, I would.

But anyway, I'm still stressed about school work. I'm afraid to tell my mom I need a tutor...again. And the thing is I don't even want a tutor. But I'm falling so behind and I can't seem to concentrate on math. It's just too frustrating knowing you have a mountain full of math piled up for you to solve. I hate that they took me out of that other class and put me in one that didn't have books.

I should have not listened to the teachers. I should have kept my book and not returned it.

See...sometimes you HAVE to be selfish to climb to the top. Sometimes you just can't play fair. If you do, you only hurt yourself.

And look what I've done.

I want to become better than those people. I want to become the smartest, the BEST. But for some reason...even though I know I'll never be, I keep on looking forward.

But then, I keep on stressing.

Getting a tutor would mean I'm really stupid. I mean, it'd make me feel stupid. 

So I'll hold out for another week and try my best. Math problems are really not my thing. They really aren't. >_____<

I've also said this over before, but...I'm already off to a bad start. I don't think I have any 90%s currently in any of my classes. I know for sure I have a B standing in socials but that's it.

By the end of the term, I have to have straight 90s. I have to show my family, my friends. MYSELF most importantly. I have to show them I CAN do it.

I don't want my friend to be right about my math. I won't let her be right.

Am I in denial? I want to get higher marks than any of my friends. But I also kind of know I'm not...the brightest out of them.

Also, hit me, yell at me, anything you wish to punish me.

I binged on HALF A PIZZA.

That's all I've had for the day. And that's all I'm having. That's enough food for me.

The only thing I'm allowing myself to drink is water. No food allowed beyond this point.

I sure hope you all are seriously doing better than ME today. 

I thought I was doing ok

In school. Looks like I'm not.

I'm also very stressed out because I have a lot of math to be catching up on - and right now, all I want to do is go shopping. I haven't shopped for a whole month now. >____>; When I say that, I don't mean buying something every time. I meant hanging out at the malls with some friends and having some girl time. But everyone else is as stressed as me, dealing with school and the teachers. Everyone has projects to work on. Everyone is studying for upcoming tests.

And all I'm seriously thinking about is having fun and ditching the thought of schoolwork for just a day. Maybe tomorrow. I'm still waiting for a reply from my friend.

I'll most likely work the whole day (chores and math, ss, bio) then after all that, exercise like crazy. I don't include dance as an exercise because I'm not heavily sweating like a pig (pigs don't sweat, I know, I know. It's just a phrase I can't stop saying) which means my heart rate isn't going up to the max. I need to seriously get in shape and stop lazing around so much! 

As for my eating...I know I haven't posted in forever, but I'm actually doing pretty good. Been restricting like crazy. I have no problems with it anymore now that I have a whole new goal in mind. 

It's pretty lame.

I feel like a major stick, or rectangle. I have no curves. >____< But I've seen so many thinspo pics where girls have tiny waists and if I could get mine to become as small as theirs, I think some curves will show. I hate that I have absolutely no curves. I hate that so much.

It's pretty much my summary in replacement for the days I didn't post. So sorry.

I hope you are all doing better than me!

Always breaking the rules

That's me.

The truth is, I cannot stick to the rules of anything. Especially diets. 

You know what's coming - so brace yourself. You don't want to be like me.

But I'm never going on any specific diets anymore. You know, like the ABC, skinny girl, and other detox diets. I always break the rules - or the rules are just too...well, not good enough for me. You know the skinny girl diet? It says you shouldn't count veggies and fruits...but those are calories right there. I just can't help but include them. I feel like I'm lying to myself if I don't count them. And when I do, I realize how fat I am becoming. I even feel fuller at the sight of my cal intakes!

So. No more diets. I'll just eat whatever I want - and I meant that in a non diet restricted way.

Are you following?

Well, besides my food intakes and talk of school...I had a serious mental debate yesterday night with myself. I was searching for laptop brands and trying to read more reviews on them. I got distracted and started looking at the iTouch - the new one that came out a few weeks ago. I want it so much.

I'm so close to it too...I mean, I just have to save for another 2 months and I'll be able to get it. 

But not being able to go clothes shopping really irks me. I love clothes. Even though I rarely wear them (because I buy them in size smalls or x-smalls) it's not a waste. I feel happy if I'm able to stare at them in my closet. I know I'm a freak...>____>;

So from now on, I'll talk about clothes as well. I'll post pics of clothes and clothing thinspo (thin people wearing clothes I like?).

I like the sweater A LOT. I have a thing for gold hearts and crowns, you know. >o> And it's from Forever21, so I decided to blur all models that are from a well known store. Just because...well, I don't think it's right for people to use them outside of the store. If I know they're modeling for a specific store I'll blur it. If I don't know then I won't.

...And I was looking up for some things...I found this. Then a lot of creepy but beautiful pics that look like paintings of the victorian era. =/

I don't think they're blog related so I didn't bother posting them up. But I might one day. 

I also found this outfit I really liked on this Japanese brand site. When I tried to save the photo however, it wouldn't work. It was blocked or something so I didn't print screen. They prob did that on purpose. >o<

Anyway, yeah.

I bet your day was more interesting.

I love Taylor Momsen's style. Plus she's real pretty.

Day 1 and in for a report!

Limit 400 cals. (are you supposed to eat up to the number?)

small plate of mac and cheese which was 350

banana

2 vitamins (it doesn't say the cals, so I'm going to search it up later)

Total: 350

Woohoo, doing great. Let's hope I don't fail at dinner time. I'm hoping to just drink water for the night.

I already feel really fat. >o< I don't know why. Maybe the food I ate yesterday hasn't completely left my system yet. XD

Anyway, not much going on. Woke up late, listened to music, read, chores, showered...yeah.

Homework will be done later.

I'm so boring. D;