Always breaking the rules

That's me.

The truth is, I cannot stick to the rules of anything. Especially diets. 

You know what's coming - so brace yourself. You don't want to be like me.

But I'm never going on any specific diets anymore. You know, like the ABC, skinny girl, and other detox diets. I always break the rules - or the rules are just too...well, not good enough for me. You know the skinny girl diet? It says you shouldn't count veggies and fruits...but those are calories right there. I just can't help but include them. I feel like I'm lying to myself if I don't count them. And when I do, I realize how fat I am becoming. I even feel fuller at the sight of my cal intakes!

So. No more diets. I'll just eat whatever I want - and I meant that in a non diet restricted way.

Are you following?

Well, besides my food intakes and talk of school...I had a serious mental debate yesterday night with myself. I was searching for laptop brands and trying to read more reviews on them. I got distracted and started looking at the iTouch - the new one that came out a few weeks ago. I want it so much.

I'm so close to it too...I mean, I just have to save for another 2 months and I'll be able to get it. 

But not being able to go clothes shopping really irks me. I love clothes. Even though I rarely wear them (because I buy them in size smalls or x-smalls) it's not a waste. I feel happy if I'm able to stare at them in my closet. I know I'm a freak...>____>;

So from now on, I'll talk about clothes as well. I'll post pics of clothes and clothing thinspo (thin people wearing clothes I like?).

I like the sweater A LOT. I have a thing for gold hearts and crowns, you know. >o> And it's from Forever21, so I decided to blur all models that are from a well known store. Just because...well, I don't think it's right for people to use them outside of the store. If I know they're modeling for a specific store I'll blur it. If I don't know then I won't.

...And I was looking up for some things...I found this. Then a lot of creepy but beautiful pics that look like paintings of the victorian era. =/

I don't think they're blog related so I didn't bother posting them up. But I might one day. 

I also found this outfit I really liked on this Japanese brand site. When I tried to save the photo however, it wouldn't work. It was blocked or something so I didn't print screen. They prob did that on purpose. >o<

Anyway, yeah.

I bet your day was more interesting.

I love Taylor Momsen's style. Plus she's real pretty.

Day 1 and in for a report!

Limit 400 cals. (are you supposed to eat up to the number?)

small plate of mac and cheese which was 350

banana

2 vitamins (it doesn't say the cals, so I'm going to search it up later)

Total: 350

Woohoo, doing great. Let's hope I don't fail at dinner time. I'm hoping to just drink water for the night.

I already feel really fat. >o< I don't know why. Maybe the food I ate yesterday hasn't completely left my system yet. XD

Anyway, not much going on. Woke up late, listened to music, read, chores, showered...yeah.

Homework will be done later.

I'm so boring. D;

It's like Spring all over again

Cherry:

As always, thank you!

I took your advice and it did work! Or maybe it's the weather...but I'm feeling way better now.

Anyway, thank you to all my followers. I really appreciate it - knowing that someone is reading. Makes me feel less...alone? I guess that's how I should put it.

~

I don't feel like going on about my loads of homework stacked on my desk right now, and I so don't think you guys want to read about it every single post either. 

I haven't been posting a whole bunch - mostly because I've been binging like crazy and I feel like I've failed you guys, and myself. But I'm in a good mood, so I won't do in depth about that or it might bring me down in the pits again. Ahem, kay...well, I love reading.

So much. I haven't read ever since school started, which is like...3 weeks. I've gone for 6 months last year without reading (besides school text books and novel studies) and I don't remember it being this bad. But like I said, I love reading. I really drags me out of reality even if it's only for a few hours or few minutes. I mostly enjoy books with action and romance - there has to be romance or I won't get into it. I highly recommend this book/series if you are like me. 

It's actually the second one but I didn't know about the first book and just read it. Too late to go read the first one though since it basically tells you what the character had done already. Anyway, there's going to the a third coming out this year. Can't wait to read it. It's so good. 

Before I blab on about more, I should prob state the titles. =____=;

In order:

"Need"

"Captivate"

and "Entice" by Carrie Jones. 

If you've read it, awesome! If not, it's about pixies and supernatural stuff too. Check it out?

Another thing is - what's with all the terrible weather predictions? They said it would rain all week and stuff but today it's sunny. It's a good thing  - but dudeee. This isn't the first time it's happened. 

Last but not least, I know you're all disappointed in me. D; But I get upset and binge. Like I'm not even kidding - I mean it when I say binge. Yesterday after school (was starving since the only thing I ate was a small tomato sandwich) I came home and threw everything  (meaning bag and books) in my room, then ran out to the kitchen and wolfed pizza, cookies, apple pies and candy down my throat.

Please, I disgust myself as well. In fact, I feel like throwing up right here at the computer as I type this out. Because I had pizza for lunch.

But...believe it or not - it's my LAST TIME.

Heck, a few days ago I told my friend about my high school goals and she told me, straight on, that she didn't believe me one bit. She has her right to not, obviously. I mean, that's her opinion and I don't even care. Ok, maybe a little. I was a little surprised.

The only way to hold on tightly to my goals - and to not fall, is to be determined. To have diligence.

I need it. I now have more reasons to not let go.

SKINNY GIRL DIET TOMORROW - SUNDAY. A revolution for moi.

I don't think I can do it today since those pieces of pizza I ate are worth about...300 cals EACH. 

Picture spam

Today I'm not feeling very good.

Emotionally and physically.

I have a lot of homework to do too. But I'm losing my focus.

For now, please enjoy these pics I've found.

If only I could read minds

Cherry:
Thank you! I will definitely make a list once I do my shopping! Once I hit my goal weight!
Though I can't promise you I'll be confident. ( and confidence is 1 key point that makes a person beautiful too )
Wow, I didn't know that. >o> Now I'll see guys in a whole diff way. No joke.

~

So I'm a major disappointment. I just can't do it.

I don't have the self control, enough determination, enough hope to accomplish my diet. Once I get home I just give up and say, "what's the point? I'll always be fat and ugly. I'll always be the failure I was born as." I'm not popular, I don't have many friends, and I'm sure as hell not very smart - but all those things don't really matter to me. Popularity is nothing even though I've dreamed of being in the groups in the past. Friends are indescribable. You can't just pick them. They will come to you eventually. And being smart? I know I'm not very smart so I study, work hard, and pay attention during class. Because I believe I can reach my goals that way. 

But I just fucking can't take it anymore. This is a food cycle I'm on. I binge, I fast, I restrict, I binge, I fast, I restrict. It won't stop.

As long as I keep binging, it won't work.

Remember how I mentioned my BFF said she believed in me when I said I wanted to get 90%+ in all my classes, and to have at least a 90 average? I told you guys I didn't believe her. I have trust issues. I said I don't even care if anyone believes in me or not. Well guess what I'm about to unlock? 

Last week, I was sitting in class talking to a group of people about school stuff, and somehow it got to the subject about me failing math. Yes, I did. =____=; I'm not proud of it one bit. Anyway, when I said that, this one girl's face like...kind of...fell. What I mean is it's like she found out I failed a course and immediately thinks I'm retarded. No, not retarded, but...really stupid. I hate it. I also remember blabbing to this one girl about it at school last year and I was just so distressed. She was no help. You know what she did? Just stared at me and from then on, lost all respect for me. She was all rude starting that day. Disses me and all that shit.

Just because I failed a course.

I know I shouldn't have. I am of course, very mad about it. The course failure.

Do you guys see anything WRONG with that? Or is it just me? I fucking know I should have asked for help immediately but I was scared. ( yes, some issues here )

It's terrible how people judge you. I know I do it too - everyone does. You can't do anything about it. You can't stop it. You can deny it, but you'll be in denial. You'd be a lie to yourself. 

But seriously? Just because I failed a course doesn't mean I'm auto stupid for life. And it doesn't mean I'm terrible at all my other courses. So you know what I do when I see their faces? I pretend nothing happened. I even ignore the rudeness from that one girl and be nice to her. I pretend to be all mean and tough (but I am actually sometimes mean and harsh, only while talking with my BFF though) but inside, I'm such a..."softie". It's disgusting - but I am. If someone I disliked asked me to do them a small favor in my face, I'd accept it without thinking twice. Depending on what it is of course. But usually they're super small ones. But still. It's like I'm not capable of treating them like how they treat me. Then right after that, I feel all stepped on.

I got off topic. But the main thing is that no one believes me. And I know the reasons why.

I can't guarantee I'll constantly be successful, but I will try my best. I don't want to disappoint anyone.

Tomorrow I will start the diet - from the beginning. I'll try to update everyday but unfortunately, I'm a high school student and I do do my homework regularly. >o>;

Also, my SS project was supposed to be due on Wed but the teacher didn't mark down our class's due date. A few guys kept telling him it was due on Fri and finally, the teacher nodded and so I guess it's not been extended. No one got up to say anything though. I would have, but it's the teacher's responsibility to keep track of their classes. 

One last thing. The title is so irrelevant to what I was blabbing about. But it means what it says. I can only wish.

Skinny girl diet

Yes, I'm that desperate to make my fat disappear. I need it to disappear.

But it's taking forever and I am not a very patient person, especially with myself.

This time though, I will stick it out to the end. It's my third attempt at this and I will NOT kill it. 

So today will be day one. 400 calories limit, no prob.

Veggies and fruit don't count so you can eat as many as you want (but remember, they are still calories. eat them when you are hungry only)

What I had today:

apple

spicy korean style noodles 190

1/4 piece of mooncake 200 (holy shit i know. it's such a small piece too)

Total: 390

That's all I'm having. I'll skip out on dinner tonight because that would be going over and I already feel like an oink oink.

Anyway, I'm feeling a little better. I mean, besides homework and projects, I'm doing ok. Nothing too special, nothing too boring. Though I'm probably boring you guys with this. 

I want to go shopping. I haven't even spent a penny with my birthday money yet, even though it isn't that much. I should save...but what for? I'll save when I get a part time job and I actually get paid. 

But I hate buying tops. Because I'm fat I don't look good in them. I love buying shoes and skirts however because those will never change. I only buy stretchable skirts in case you're wondering. Jean skirts count too since they have some spandex in it. I mean my bottom isn't too fat. But of course I'd like to go down 1 size...which would be a 0. Then I will aim for a 00. But right now I'm a 1. D;

I dunno. I want hips and curves too...but I'll feel like a rectangle if I wear a size 00. (not saying anyone is cuz I'm the fat one and I don't remember how I look when I used to be skinny) My cousin is like a size 3 or 4 but she has hips and curves! Without being fat on the top (thighs are a bit big to me). >o>; I feel bad now, but I have to say what I'm thinking. It's like a diary here anyway. 

K so...about clothes. I want to start wearing boots and skirts to school - I've always wanted to do that but uhm, ahem, my self esteem is super low on the scale. And uhm...all my boots are high heels and I don't want to wear high heels to school.

Oh my gooooooosh, I cannot wait until I'm thin enough to show off my waist! I will then wear body hugging tank tops. And tube tops. (without looking slutty) I think those are very pretty.

When I reach my ultimate goal I will go to the really expensive hair salon I've wanted to go to for a year now, and get my hair extreme moisturized (it lasts for 3-6 months and will make your hair shiny, soft, and extremely healthy looking), cut, and maybe permed. Not too sure on the last one since I like my straight hair too.

Girly fantasies, girly fantasies that I will only admit here.

And after, I'd like to go panty and bra shopping. Because then I'd obviously be smaller and uh...well, uh...be needing new stuff. I'd buy nicer quality intimates though, not the crappy cotton ones I have. >___>;

Maybe then a guy will ask me to dance. For fuck's sake! Right. I've been wanting to say this for a week now.

I'm so sick of asking guys to dance. Am I THAT repulsive? Why does no one ask me? Maybe that's why no one has asked me out yet too (not that I'm desperate. someone will come when the time's right). I feel kind of weird always being the one asking. If I don't ask I won't be dancing at all. That's the problem. D;

Okay, time to face the fucking truth. I am so terribly, horribly disgusting! Duh, with my hanging fat and stout figure, of course no one asks. Why am I even second guessing in the first place?

I think I've blabbed too much. Well...I won't binge tonight. I won't even be eating tonight. Au revoir!

I need a guard

...that will protect me from danger

that will make sure I focus

that will stop me from falling

that will be my dance partner

that will always be by my side

that will never back-stab me

that will tutor me

that will make sure I control myself

that will do what they can to help me with my goals

that will just accept me

that won't make an obvious lie.

I don't know anymore. I don't know how to describe this feeling too.

It's just like...living, but you don't know what for. (no, I am not having suicidal thoughts. I won't be selfish and kill myself)

I go to school, I lose my self control, I repeat everything over and over again, I'm afraid, I'm not trying my best, I'm so...mellow! You know? Just wandering aimlessly looking for what? Nothing. There is nothing.

I feel nothing.

And right now, I don't even know what the heck I just wrote up there. (lame poem) I know I haven't posted in a few days even though it felt like a week. I've been busy with assignments and studying. And I hate myself. 

Why do I always make a fool out of myself in front of guys? 

Why can't I be better at dancing? 

Why can't I just stop eating like a pig and be thin?

Whenever I'm upset, I eat. And it does seem like I'm always upset.

And after I binge, I get even more upset and give up.

I said I wouldn't do that. I say things. I never do them. What does that make me? 

I need someone to punish me for eating. Punish me for not trying, Punish me for being such a failure.

~

(late)

Cherry: 

Thank you! <3

Issyla:

Exactly. It's so long, and you're always tempted to eat.

Thank you!

But unfortunately, I had some problems with a few classes so I'm not in his class anymore. Oh well, I'd seriously prefer sitting back and admiring. 8D

Fast and slow

Quick note. I will be doing comment replies first thing every new post I make. So don't worry about checking. You can read it in the new posts. ;D


Issyla:
Yes, I definitely do. It's irritatingly stressful knowing you have something right there that needs to be completed.
Also, thanks! But I'm a major procrastinator too so if I fall back into my old routine - I'm screwed. But I will def try my hardest!

~

 Today was a very slow day. Especially since I fasted...I could not stop thinking about food and I went out into the kitchen several times, opening the fridge, holding out cracker bags. Uhg. 
The whole time I kept reminding myself that I have a planet full of fat stored within my body - and it's up to me to defeat it. Kind of like an action story, only it's super lame. But it's become my number one "motivator" now. My will power will not be conquered by zee villian! (aka fat) If that makes any sense.


In the end, I did it. x___x;
I mean I didn't eat at all, which is great.


But I have to eat tomorrow and for the rest of the week because of school. I don't know what I'll be doing next weekend so I can't plan my fasts yet. I hate when my plans are not solid.


Hah, of course I didn't walk around thinking about food for the whole day. I spent some time working on my English paper (time wasting because I only got 1 paragraph down) and studying for my chem quiz.
In fact, right after this post I have to study harder for it. I have to get 100% on everything.


Besides all that...there ain't much going on. I'm afraid I'm boring you guys with school talk. But there seriously isn't much.


Unless you are really interested in what I think about that guy. D;
Haha, nah. I would know if I had a crush on somebody. I'm pretty sure I got that thing down. I just think he's super interesting. I could probably become friends with him - but there's no way I'll go approach him. It's too sudden and crazy. I'll just sit back and enjoy the view, ya know? 8D 
Enough about this, it's getting boring already. If I have some other people to talk about, I will immediately blab to you guys about them. Sadly, all the cool guys moved on to uni or they've moved to another school. 
Sucks.

Bring on the challenges!

I used to fear it (maybe I still do, who knows) but now I'm not afraid to face it. School is definitely going to be harder this year for me, but I'm willing to spend most of my time on homework and studying. If I want to get straight As, and have an average of 90%...well, I obviously have to work hard. You know, I was always a failure at school. I got terrible marks and once failed a math course. 

So who would believe me? I know no one does - even my mom is skeptical but it doesn't matter. I know my friends don't believe me too much either, but my BFF is always cheering for me to go on. I should believe in her...but I don't. I have major trust issues. The funny thing is, I don't care! Like I seriously don't even give a shit anymore. Because I believe I can accomplish my goals (how cheesy) by this year. I know I can become thin and pretty. With walking thinspo...how can I not? And with a school full of extremely smart people I can really use some competition.

And as you might have guessed already (or maybe I posted it somewhere in my old posts) I get super competitive when it comes to weight loss. If someone in real life was wanting to lose weight (last year it was one of my friends) I will be like: "I'll make sure I lose weight faster than she does. I'll make sure I get to my goal asap!" 

I'm not even joking about that. It's crazy. And I'll say things like, "you need to eat healthy, etc"

Holy shit. That is so hypocritical of me. But I can't help it. I'm a terrible friend and person. >____<;

But anyway, the friend never pushed herself to lose weight. I think she just gave up after a day and decided to eat whatever she wanted. Blah. I could really use some of that competition this year.

On to school. Last night it took me 2 hours to finish my socials homework. I kept getting distracted and I kept day dreaming and all that jazz. I still have an English intro paper to write which is due in 5 days but I'm pretty much a couch potato. I have some math work to finish up as well...then I should be studying for my chem safety quiz for Monday. So much to do...x___x; if you think about how long my English paper will be (which I will def make long and pro).

I'll try to finish all those today if possible.

And here comes the "daily" food intake!

Food consumed today:

-meat lasagna 250c

-few pieces of salted crackers approx 90c

-small bowl of rise with some cauliflower and tomatoes with eggs approx 400c

Total: 740c

o___o; How did this happen?

Also, I'd like my followers to know that I DO read your comments and I really appreciate it. <3 Even if I don't reply back because most of the time I don't know what to say. >___<

Thank you!

I'll definitely be able to catch up on your blogs.

Birthday uncertainty

Birthday = cake usually, right?

It's my birthday, and I'm anxious, pissed off, and just...miserable.
A normal family would buy a cake and do all the "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!" shit and celebrate like crazy, righttttt? Well, I don't have a "normal" family. We don't really do things like that anymore. We used to. But not anymore. I dunno, my mind is thinking about a whole bunch of things right now. So I might sound like a person rambling and not making any sense.


But man, I need to get this off my chest.

I'm pissed off because a birthday is like a normal day now
I'm pissed off because I binged - I let myself
I'm anxiously pissed off because my work is never good enough. Everyone else can make their papers sound pro and all, but I cannot.
Friends would wish me a happy birthday, right? I got none of that except for one...I think. I can't remember who said it to me though. My brain is jumbled.
This guy is only in one of my classes...AGAIN.
I have mega issues.

ARHG! I should slowly let this out!

Starting with the guy since I know most of you are girls and not trying to be stereotypical here, but most girls like romance and talking about guys. Don't even lie about it. But anyway, I DON'T LIKE THIS GUY. But for some reason, I sometimes just randomly want to stare at that person for a while. But that person would see so I can't. It doesn't happen to other guys...just that dude. And honestly, that dude isn't even hot or good looking in my opinion. He's just SUPER different and interesting. Maybe it's because of that that I'm "attracted" to him? Or maybe it's because of my disgusting "history"? I used to be a big loner back in elementary and first year of middle school. People made fun of me, I was gross looking, and blahhh. I wasn't fat back then though. How fucking pathetic. I was perfectly thin. But you know how kids are these days...all about popularity, and it's just scary. I don't feel like getting into that yet. Maybe another time but this dude seems to be a loner. I know he has friends but not in most classes as far as I can "stalk tell". And the class I'm in, he's a big loner. And I can understand everything about that. One time I was hanging out with people and this girl I don't know very well said he was weird. I wanted to tell her that liking different things isn't weird. Everyone likes diff things. So if she said she liked pink piggies should I tell her she's weird? It wasn't in a very nice way which is why I felt really bad for even listening to her say it. She's a cool, funny person to be honest. But people aren't good with differences. They just aren't.

So, now...I'm just moping about. We had to write a paragraph in english today about this one topic. And I only got a few lines. We had to switch after and my friend's paper sounded SO FUCKING PRO. EVERYONE ELSE'S I READ IS LIKE THAT. Why am I always so bad at english? My vocab is small. Uhg...I just want to get straight A's. I'm sick of being a failure. I want to be one of the best. I have rocket sky high expectations for everything...myself included as you know. I need things to be perfect in my definition of perfect. And when things go wrong...I give up too easily. I want to be better than others. But this is really driving me psycho. I just want to hug someone and let them hear my ranting. But I'm not close to anyone like that. So sometimes I really wish I had a best friend like that. Someone I can rely upon with my feelings. Someone who will hug me until I feel better.

Oh jeez, I sound like some love-sappy dog or something. But I really do feel this way. I've never been hugged like that before. Even friend hugs are brief and...well, you can feel the "casualness" in it.

I'm so fucking depressing sometimes. I should be really happy!

But not when I know we might be eating cake tonight. Oh and about that. It's hard to explain. I only want to celebrate with my friends from my other school.

Panic attack

Not really, but last night I didn't update my last post because I binged.

Then tonight, I binged again.

It's always the night now...not when I come home from school.

But anyway, about why I'm "panicking". So today we finally started our classes and I joined "ballroom dance" which is, well, you know...waltzing and all that. Some modern, some from long time ago. But uh...after I found out that we might be attending real dances I freaked out. You know what that means.

Attending dances = wearing a dress.

Holy shit cakes. I'm not even joking about how scared I am. I still have a long way to go before I'm thin. And I don't feel comfortable showing my fat. I mean then everyone will see how fat I really am! It's disgusting!

This. Is. IT.

FROM NOW ON, NO MORE BINGES.

I will work very hard to maintain my "eating" and I will exercise regularly. Also, what buy would want to put their hands on a fat girl? Not in any sexual ways, but in dancing.

So, it's possible

It really is possible for me to lose weight now.

Because, I found out that if I'm at school, around lots of skinny girls...my self control is absolutely...powerful. It's amazing how hungry I was when I came home  - when I missed lunch. I only ate a handful of green grapes and that's it.

Usually I binge like you know what.

Nothing is better than walking, live thinspo. 8D

I'm so excited for everything to start again. Except that I might have a hard time in some of my classes since I couldn't find a single friend in them too. I don't know yet because we only compared course sheets. Tomorrow I will find out. Wish me luck~?

Also, I'm not sure if I should get back on the skinny girl diet because being able to not count fruits and drinks kind of messes me up. I have to count everything I consume. >o< So...I guess I won't.

I'll eat the way I want.

I'm sure you all want to know what I've really eaten today, right?

We haven't had dinner yet but I will update.

So far:

Very small bowl of special k cereal with 1% milk - 160

handful of green grapes 90

TBU

Alsooooooo, I have a follower! ;D Yay~!

Failure

I'm one of those. A mighty big one at that.

It's not like I want to - heck, I don't think anyone wants to be a failure. It just happens with no self control. Like me.

Today I promised myself I would not fail. I said I wouldn't eat, because today was supposed to be a fast day. And guess what? I binged like a mother fucker. It was crazy.

I have zero self control.

I keep beating myself over this too.

Like a never-ending cycle.

And only a few more days until school starts.

What am I going to do?