Boxing Day

Well, you know it. Today's boxing day.

On Christmas, I couldn't feel the spirit. I couldn't feel the happiness. Instead, I just felt...I don't know how to describe it, but...sort of sad.

The problem is I don't even know what I was moping around for.

Is it because of the people around me? My own failures? My weight? My fat?

What is it?

I don't know anymore. I seem to be very happy with my friends, but when I get home the sad feeling starts to sink in again. My failures flying around in my face.

It's true that if you want something, you'd try very hard to get it. You'd do anything to get it.

Maybe I don't want to become thin? 

Haha, what nonsense am I blabbering about? I honestly can't even plot out my wants. 

I obviously haven't been trying my hardest. I haven't been restricting one bit. I just want to be one of those girls who eat whatever and they're still thin and beautiful. I hate this. I just want to eat properly. I hate suffering like this.

But when I try to, I just couldn't really bring myself to do it. I'm impatient. I don't want to lose weight slowly. I want to become thin immediately!

So it's a never ending cycle. Always.

In conclusion to my depressing rant, I had a somewhat fun week. Christmas Eve was great. Christmas? Not so much. Today? I'm procrastinating over work. Yes, work. I have to do work on my break.

Today is a brand new day though. It can become the spark of hope.

Pounds lost, but can the scale be deceiving me?

I don't know if it's right.

But let me re-tell my story, as I see a lot more followers. (Hello~)

So a year ago or more, I got my scale taken away. I had absolutely no idea where my mom hid it, but probably seeing as I've gained weight, she brought it out again. Or at least I hope she's not thinking too much about my weight again. I hope she only brought it out for the rest of the family. 

But the last time I weighed myself was at the doctors. That was, what, in the summer? Long ago. I was 107.

But guess what? I weighed myself just now (everyone else went grocery shopping so I'm home alone) and....*drumroll please*

101!!

It makes me happy to know I've lost some. But I don't know if the scale is right anymore. It's kind of...old. And I don't feel like I've lost weight. I don't even see a bit of weight loss. In fact, before I had the courage to step on it, I was thinking I'd be 200 lbs. I'm still fat. I mean, it's obvious that my fat is still clinging onto me, unwilling to let go. But oh, how I truly despise it right at this moment. I'll work extra hard to get it off in time for the performance in January. You see, I have this dance thing. And I'll probably have to wear formal attire, which means everyone will then see how DISGUSTING I am.  Truly am, under all the baggy clothes I wear. Now don't get it wrong. I want to wear pretty dresses but at same time, I don't. I'm in a raging war with the enemy here, also known as lipid. Fat. Whatever you want to call it. Time is ticking and I only have a month and a half to get to my ultimate goal weight. To shed this fat off once and for all. I'm tired of looking at all the pretty, thing girls and feeling worthless. Ugly. Fat. Stupid. I want to outshine them just once. Or actually, shine with them at least. 

Besides, I'll probably scare the guys off. No one will want to dance with me then.

Main point of this post is - I'm officially going vegetarian tomorrow. I have been eating some meat, and quite a lot of seafood.

I'm going to be extremely strict with myself. No more rewards until the goal is met. No more partying until I prove myself worthy. No more procrastination and slacking.

I truly live in a cycle

When I'm happy I eat
When I'm upset I eat
Everything seems to be revolving around food.

So when I do not binge, I don't post, and when I do fail, I come here to rant about it. You can probably guess what's been going on lately. I have been restricting like crazy for days, but then today I just...something went and clicked the switch in my head. And I binged like someone who's crazy and doesn't have even 1% of self control.

My grades have been going down.
My friends seem bitchier.

I'm so disgusting, so ugly. I really wish there was someone to guide me through the tunnels, because I can't do much alone. I never have been Able to do much alone. Even if I want to, I'm too pathetic.
Too weak.


Won't someone come save me?

I have so many problems, and I'm so scared.

I worry too much.

About the people I'm following, and how inactive they've become. I consider this selfish thinking because what if they've found a way out? What if they found a way to recover? I should be happy for them...but yet, here I am, wondering, thinking, just missing them.

I need to stop this selfishness and focus on important things.

Like how I need to go to the doctor to discuss my period with her. I'm so scared, so scared of many things. I've had my period for 5 years now, and apparently it takes about 3 years max to have a steady, regular cycle. But mine has never been regular. In fact it's so irregular that it worries me. And I don't think it's my eating habits that's causing it. Maybe a little, but I think it's something else. Like imbalanced hormones? I'm just so afraid. I hate going to the doctors because they weigh you, and...uhg. I've always been scared of the doctors. Always hated going there. Does anyone know another reason to my irregular periods? Sometimes the cycle is steady ish...sometimes it isn't. Like this week...I just had it 10 days ago. That can't be normal for this type of thing.

What if they put me on birth control pills? Will I gain weight? I can't gain weight. I've heard stories about terrible weight gains from those things. I hate taking medicine and pills, forms of drugs. Any drugs...I'll hate them all.

Anyway, I do know I haven't been posting much. And I apologize for this due to school (my usual truth excuse). I'm getting a proper grip on it now, but I have 4 tests next week which is going to really bother me. When I'm upset I tend to binge until I feel utterly full. To the point of wanting to throw up. I can't do that as much as I'd like to because I have bad teeth and I cannot let them rot further. Not that they are...it's just that I have a lot of fillings and I have a terrible sweet tooth. I have stopped eating sweets now.

I'm afraid that if I start purging again...the dentist will be able to see. I'm getting braces so I'll have to go there monthly. Besides...some things are too addictive. I won't allow myself to head deeper into the path anymore than I already am. 

But today I woke up early to do my everyday bathroom activities and I think I lost some weight. I think my waist is an inch smaller now. I still don't have a scale (remember my post about being broke?). 

So now I'm relying on mirrors. It's a love hate cycle. At school when I look in the mirrors during dance, I see my fat face. I can feel it hanging there, pulling me down. I really see the fat at school.

At home, I still see it...but not as extreme. Maybe it's because I know I'm safe at home. All my secrets are safe at home. Maybe it's because I know I can do whatever I want. Or that I'm free to NOT to what I don't want to do.

The high of fasting is truly a terrifying, but beautiful thing. The feel of emptiness. If only I can get a good grasp on it - I can truly be happy.

Maybe.

Anyways, I hope you all had a wonderful week, and have a wonderful weekend at that!

Distant Competitions?

Is that even possible?

Let me do some vague summaries first of all, so you won't get confused.

Back in grade 7 I used to be "friends" with this bitch. She spread a lot of rumors behind my back and when I confronted her about it, she just laughed it off and was like, "it's true though, isn't it?"

You have no idea how mad I was. She is the only person besides my dad that I can truly find something in them to hate them for. She also did a lot of other stuff but it's not important. Pre-teen crushes, kay?

Well a few days ago I heard about her again from my friend. Apparently she was pregnant at 15 and had a baby.

Now, my point isn't this so I won't say anything about her choice.

I saw some pictures of her and...well she used to be really fat. I think she lost some weight now which really clicked a button in me. I can't really explain it...but whenever I know someone in real life, and they've lost some weight...even though I don't associate with them anymore...I get extremely competitive.

So it put me in this...well, competitive mood. Attitude. Whatever you call it.

I have the urges to become thinner than her. Better than her. I want to make her jealous, which is pretty ridiculous considering that I've moved and she has no idea where I am. She probably doesn't even remember me. Haven't seen her for 4 years. Isn't this just stupid? Well, it's not stopping me from my craziness.

Also, I didn't tell you about why I haven't been exercising. The lady said I wasn't supposed to after my "dental surgery (wisdom teeth pulled out)" so I've been listening. It's almost a week now so I think it's all right if I do some hardcore exercises, right? I'm also taking some pills for it like I mentioned in my last post so I don't know if that's going to affect me in any way...but I'm determined to shed my fat before Xmas. It's my next goal.

I want to reach my goal weight before that. I want to be in the double digits. Preferably 98 lbs.

My swollen week

=_____=; Literally. Almost.

First thing's first, thanks for the comments, my dear followers. And I see I have a few new ones. ;D

Now there's something I've been meaning to tell you guys about, but I don't think I know how to - properly. I know some of you read my blog, and you're probably wondering who I am. You know? I don't have any info up yet because like my title says, I've built these metal walls around myself - to keep enemies from finding me. I don't want anyone to find out about this. But I'm here, and I'm a hundred percent sure you guys aren't my enemies. Right? Yeah.

I'll write something up someday. Know that I'm not some kind of creeper robot or anything like that.

So ahem, starting from the day I got my wisdom teeth pulled out.

Wednesday

-didn't eat anything after this because my cheeks hurt and obviously my gums

-but in the morning I binged

Thursday

-major swelling

-ate 2 yogurts 70 cals

-a banana 200...? o___o I had no idea, but that's a rough estimate after web searches

-almost the whole condensed can of tomato soup (nothing in it) approx 300?

Total: approx 570 

Friday

-whole can of condensed mushroom soup approx 400 cals?

-some crackers in it 90 cals

-2 slices of cantalope approx 90 cals?

-at dinner, binged on whole bowl of noodles and big bowl of rice soup thing (gross, all that carb) approx 500?? D;

Total: around 1080

Today:

-7 soda crackers in a very small rice bowl size of tomato soup. approx 150 c

AND tonight, I'm going to just drink the soup. I'm going to save it so it will last for the whole day.

As you can see...my week has been pretty bad. I have to take these pills for a whole entire week so I have no idea how that's affecting my weight. I have so much studying to do. Uhg...I just want it to be Christmas already. I love it. 

I know I'll have at least a week with no school.

My cheek is still swollen. STILL. 

Lastly, if you're wondering why I never state my weight, it's because I got it taken away. I was also going to buy another one myself and hide it, but when I went to the mall, I couldn't resist the new itouch. I've been like, drooling after it ever since it was released. So yeah...dead broke. Mind you, I'm NOT rich. The money was from birthday and chores. Around 3-4 months of saving? =/ Maybe less.

It's worth it. I can surf the web and watch vids on youtube. I can even go read all your blogs on there! ;D

With it, hopefully, I can get more motivation...by searching for pics and reading blogs without worrying about having to delete the history. I mean there is a button on it...but no one can get in because of the passcode every uhm....5 mins of not doing anything? Yeah sure. Something like that.

Now, back to weight issues. As always.

Last time I weighed myself...I was 107. I don't even know if that's accurate because it was in the middle of the day and I kind of...ate and drank. A lot of water. This was at the doctors. (I'm literally dieing from my want to get on a scale)

It's really hard to detect a fake smile

It really is.

People say they can find their friend's fake smiles and real smiles. But can they really? Or is it just their mind playing tricks on them?

All my smiles are genuine at school...because my friends make me happy and always manage to make me smile. But I haven't laughed like a maniac for months now. I miss my bestie who's just...not far away, but the distance between our friendship is like a thin string already being shred apart in the center. I miss laughing nonstop, and I miss the crazy days we had.

But if I was given a choice I wouldn't go back there. I hate that place. I can't face those people because I grew up with them and they're evil. At least here, I know people don't know me very well. I'm a mystery to them. Even my friends don't know me well enough. They only see the surface.

I'm so selfish. If I could bring my bestie back here, I would.

But anyway, I'm still stressed about school work. I'm afraid to tell my mom I need a tutor...again. And the thing is I don't even want a tutor. But I'm falling so behind and I can't seem to concentrate on math. It's just too frustrating knowing you have a mountain full of math piled up for you to solve. I hate that they took me out of that other class and put me in one that didn't have books.

I should have not listened to the teachers. I should have kept my book and not returned it.

See...sometimes you HAVE to be selfish to climb to the top. Sometimes you just can't play fair. If you do, you only hurt yourself.

And look what I've done.

I want to become better than those people. I want to become the smartest, the BEST. But for some reason...even though I know I'll never be, I keep on looking forward.

But then, I keep on stressing.

Getting a tutor would mean I'm really stupid. I mean, it'd make me feel stupid. 

So I'll hold out for another week and try my best. Math problems are really not my thing. They really aren't. >_____<

I've also said this over before, but...I'm already off to a bad start. I don't think I have any 90%s currently in any of my classes. I know for sure I have a B standing in socials but that's it.

By the end of the term, I have to have straight 90s. I have to show my family, my friends. MYSELF most importantly. I have to show them I CAN do it.

I don't want my friend to be right about my math. I won't let her be right.

Am I in denial? I want to get higher marks than any of my friends. But I also kind of know I'm not...the brightest out of them.

Also, hit me, yell at me, anything you wish to punish me.

I binged on HALF A PIZZA.

That's all I've had for the day. And that's all I'm having. That's enough food for me.

The only thing I'm allowing myself to drink is water. No food allowed beyond this point.

I sure hope you all are seriously doing better than ME today.