It's really hard to detect a fake smile

It really is.

People say they can find their friend's fake smiles and real smiles. But can they really? Or is it just their mind playing tricks on them?

All my smiles are genuine at school...because my friends make me happy and always manage to make me smile. But I haven't laughed like a maniac for months now. I miss my bestie who's just...not far away, but the distance between our friendship is like a thin string already being shred apart in the center. I miss laughing nonstop, and I miss the crazy days we had.

But if I was given a choice I wouldn't go back there. I hate that place. I can't face those people because I grew up with them and they're evil. At least here, I know people don't know me very well. I'm a mystery to them. Even my friends don't know me well enough. They only see the surface.

I'm so selfish. If I could bring my bestie back here, I would.

But anyway, I'm still stressed about school work. I'm afraid to tell my mom I need a tutor...again. And the thing is I don't even want a tutor. But I'm falling so behind and I can't seem to concentrate on math. It's just too frustrating knowing you have a mountain full of math piled up for you to solve. I hate that they took me out of that other class and put me in one that didn't have books.

I should have not listened to the teachers. I should have kept my book and not returned it.

See...sometimes you HAVE to be selfish to climb to the top. Sometimes you just can't play fair. If you do, you only hurt yourself.

And look what I've done.

I want to become better than those people. I want to become the smartest, the BEST. But for some reason...even though I know I'll never be, I keep on looking forward.

But then, I keep on stressing.

Getting a tutor would mean I'm really stupid. I mean, it'd make me feel stupid. 

So I'll hold out for another week and try my best. Math problems are really not my thing. They really aren't. >_____<

I've also said this over before, but...I'm already off to a bad start. I don't think I have any 90%s currently in any of my classes. I know for sure I have a B standing in socials but that's it.

By the end of the term, I have to have straight 90s. I have to show my family, my friends. MYSELF most importantly. I have to show them I CAN do it.

I don't want my friend to be right about my math. I won't let her be right.

Am I in denial? I want to get higher marks than any of my friends. But I also kind of know I'm not...the brightest out of them.

Also, hit me, yell at me, anything you wish to punish me.

I binged on HALF A PIZZA.

That's all I've had for the day. And that's all I'm having. That's enough food for me.

The only thing I'm allowing myself to drink is water. No food allowed beyond this point.

I sure hope you all are seriously doing better than ME today. 

I thought I was doing ok

In school. Looks like I'm not.

I'm also very stressed out because I have a lot of math to be catching up on - and right now, all I want to do is go shopping. I haven't shopped for a whole month now. >____>; When I say that, I don't mean buying something every time. I meant hanging out at the malls with some friends and having some girl time. But everyone else is as stressed as me, dealing with school and the teachers. Everyone has projects to work on. Everyone is studying for upcoming tests.

And all I'm seriously thinking about is having fun and ditching the thought of schoolwork for just a day. Maybe tomorrow. I'm still waiting for a reply from my friend.

I'll most likely work the whole day (chores and math, ss, bio) then after all that, exercise like crazy. I don't include dance as an exercise because I'm not heavily sweating like a pig (pigs don't sweat, I know, I know. It's just a phrase I can't stop saying) which means my heart rate isn't going up to the max. I need to seriously get in shape and stop lazing around so much! 

As for my eating...I know I haven't posted in forever, but I'm actually doing pretty good. Been restricting like crazy. I have no problems with it anymore now that I have a whole new goal in mind. 

It's pretty lame.

I feel like a major stick, or rectangle. I have no curves. >____< But I've seen so many thinspo pics where girls have tiny waists and if I could get mine to become as small as theirs, I think some curves will show. I hate that I have absolutely no curves. I hate that so much.

It's pretty much my summary in replacement for the days I didn't post. So sorry.

I hope you are all doing better than me!

Always breaking the rules

That's me.

The truth is, I cannot stick to the rules of anything. Especially diets. 

You know what's coming - so brace yourself. You don't want to be like me.

But I'm never going on any specific diets anymore. You know, like the ABC, skinny girl, and other detox diets. I always break the rules - or the rules are just too...well, not good enough for me. You know the skinny girl diet? It says you shouldn't count veggies and fruits...but those are calories right there. I just can't help but include them. I feel like I'm lying to myself if I don't count them. And when I do, I realize how fat I am becoming. I even feel fuller at the sight of my cal intakes!

So. No more diets. I'll just eat whatever I want - and I meant that in a non diet restricted way.

Are you following?

Well, besides my food intakes and talk of school...I had a serious mental debate yesterday night with myself. I was searching for laptop brands and trying to read more reviews on them. I got distracted and started looking at the iTouch - the new one that came out a few weeks ago. I want it so much.

I'm so close to it too...I mean, I just have to save for another 2 months and I'll be able to get it. 

But not being able to go clothes shopping really irks me. I love clothes. Even though I rarely wear them (because I buy them in size smalls or x-smalls) it's not a waste. I feel happy if I'm able to stare at them in my closet. I know I'm a freak...>____>;

So from now on, I'll talk about clothes as well. I'll post pics of clothes and clothing thinspo (thin people wearing clothes I like?).

I like the sweater A LOT. I have a thing for gold hearts and crowns, you know. >o> And it's from Forever21, so I decided to blur all models that are from a well known store. Just because...well, I don't think it's right for people to use them outside of the store. If I know they're modeling for a specific store I'll blur it. If I don't know then I won't.

...And I was looking up for some things...I found this. Then a lot of creepy but beautiful pics that look like paintings of the victorian era. =/

I don't think they're blog related so I didn't bother posting them up. But I might one day. 

I also found this outfit I really liked on this Japanese brand site. When I tried to save the photo however, it wouldn't work. It was blocked or something so I didn't print screen. They prob did that on purpose. >o<

Anyway, yeah.

I bet your day was more interesting.

I love Taylor Momsen's style. Plus she's real pretty.

Day 1 and in for a report!

Limit 400 cals. (are you supposed to eat up to the number?)

small plate of mac and cheese which was 350

banana

2 vitamins (it doesn't say the cals, so I'm going to search it up later)

Total: 350

Woohoo, doing great. Let's hope I don't fail at dinner time. I'm hoping to just drink water for the night.

I already feel really fat. >o< I don't know why. Maybe the food I ate yesterday hasn't completely left my system yet. XD

Anyway, not much going on. Woke up late, listened to music, read, chores, showered...yeah.

Homework will be done later.

I'm so boring. D;

It's like Spring all over again

Cherry:

As always, thank you!

I took your advice and it did work! Or maybe it's the weather...but I'm feeling way better now.

Anyway, thank you to all my followers. I really appreciate it - knowing that someone is reading. Makes me feel less...alone? I guess that's how I should put it.

~

I don't feel like going on about my loads of homework stacked on my desk right now, and I so don't think you guys want to read about it every single post either. 

I haven't been posting a whole bunch - mostly because I've been binging like crazy and I feel like I've failed you guys, and myself. But I'm in a good mood, so I won't do in depth about that or it might bring me down in the pits again. Ahem, kay...well, I love reading.

So much. I haven't read ever since school started, which is like...3 weeks. I've gone for 6 months last year without reading (besides school text books and novel studies) and I don't remember it being this bad. But like I said, I love reading. I really drags me out of reality even if it's only for a few hours or few minutes. I mostly enjoy books with action and romance - there has to be romance or I won't get into it. I highly recommend this book/series if you are like me. 

It's actually the second one but I didn't know about the first book and just read it. Too late to go read the first one though since it basically tells you what the character had done already. Anyway, there's going to the a third coming out this year. Can't wait to read it. It's so good. 

Before I blab on about more, I should prob state the titles. =____=;

In order:

"Need"

"Captivate"

and "Entice" by Carrie Jones. 

If you've read it, awesome! If not, it's about pixies and supernatural stuff too. Check it out?

Another thing is - what's with all the terrible weather predictions? They said it would rain all week and stuff but today it's sunny. It's a good thing  - but dudeee. This isn't the first time it's happened. 

Last but not least, I know you're all disappointed in me. D; But I get upset and binge. Like I'm not even kidding - I mean it when I say binge. Yesterday after school (was starving since the only thing I ate was a small tomato sandwich) I came home and threw everything  (meaning bag and books) in my room, then ran out to the kitchen and wolfed pizza, cookies, apple pies and candy down my throat.

Please, I disgust myself as well. In fact, I feel like throwing up right here at the computer as I type this out. Because I had pizza for lunch.

But...believe it or not - it's my LAST TIME.

Heck, a few days ago I told my friend about my high school goals and she told me, straight on, that she didn't believe me one bit. She has her right to not, obviously. I mean, that's her opinion and I don't even care. Ok, maybe a little. I was a little surprised.

The only way to hold on tightly to my goals - and to not fall, is to be determined. To have diligence.

I need it. I now have more reasons to not let go.

SKINNY GIRL DIET TOMORROW - SUNDAY. A revolution for moi.

I don't think I can do it today since those pieces of pizza I ate are worth about...300 cals EACH. 

Picture spam

Today I'm not feeling very good.

Emotionally and physically.

I have a lot of homework to do too. But I'm losing my focus.

For now, please enjoy these pics I've found.

If only I could read minds

Cherry:
Thank you! I will definitely make a list once I do my shopping! Once I hit my goal weight!
Though I can't promise you I'll be confident. ( and confidence is 1 key point that makes a person beautiful too )
Wow, I didn't know that. >o> Now I'll see guys in a whole diff way. No joke.

~

So I'm a major disappointment. I just can't do it.

I don't have the self control, enough determination, enough hope to accomplish my diet. Once I get home I just give up and say, "what's the point? I'll always be fat and ugly. I'll always be the failure I was born as." I'm not popular, I don't have many friends, and I'm sure as hell not very smart - but all those things don't really matter to me. Popularity is nothing even though I've dreamed of being in the groups in the past. Friends are indescribable. You can't just pick them. They will come to you eventually. And being smart? I know I'm not very smart so I study, work hard, and pay attention during class. Because I believe I can reach my goals that way. 

But I just fucking can't take it anymore. This is a food cycle I'm on. I binge, I fast, I restrict, I binge, I fast, I restrict. It won't stop.

As long as I keep binging, it won't work.

Remember how I mentioned my BFF said she believed in me when I said I wanted to get 90%+ in all my classes, and to have at least a 90 average? I told you guys I didn't believe her. I have trust issues. I said I don't even care if anyone believes in me or not. Well guess what I'm about to unlock? 

Last week, I was sitting in class talking to a group of people about school stuff, and somehow it got to the subject about me failing math. Yes, I did. =____=; I'm not proud of it one bit. Anyway, when I said that, this one girl's face like...kind of...fell. What I mean is it's like she found out I failed a course and immediately thinks I'm retarded. No, not retarded, but...really stupid. I hate it. I also remember blabbing to this one girl about it at school last year and I was just so distressed. She was no help. You know what she did? Just stared at me and from then on, lost all respect for me. She was all rude starting that day. Disses me and all that shit.

Just because I failed a course.

I know I shouldn't have. I am of course, very mad about it. The course failure.

Do you guys see anything WRONG with that? Or is it just me? I fucking know I should have asked for help immediately but I was scared. ( yes, some issues here )

It's terrible how people judge you. I know I do it too - everyone does. You can't do anything about it. You can't stop it. You can deny it, but you'll be in denial. You'd be a lie to yourself. 

But seriously? Just because I failed a course doesn't mean I'm auto stupid for life. And it doesn't mean I'm terrible at all my other courses. So you know what I do when I see their faces? I pretend nothing happened. I even ignore the rudeness from that one girl and be nice to her. I pretend to be all mean and tough (but I am actually sometimes mean and harsh, only while talking with my BFF though) but inside, I'm such a..."softie". It's disgusting - but I am. If someone I disliked asked me to do them a small favor in my face, I'd accept it without thinking twice. Depending on what it is of course. But usually they're super small ones. But still. It's like I'm not capable of treating them like how they treat me. Then right after that, I feel all stepped on.

I got off topic. But the main thing is that no one believes me. And I know the reasons why.

I can't guarantee I'll constantly be successful, but I will try my best. I don't want to disappoint anyone.

Tomorrow I will start the diet - from the beginning. I'll try to update everyday but unfortunately, I'm a high school student and I do do my homework regularly. >o>;

Also, my SS project was supposed to be due on Wed but the teacher didn't mark down our class's due date. A few guys kept telling him it was due on Fri and finally, the teacher nodded and so I guess it's not been extended. No one got up to say anything though. I would have, but it's the teacher's responsibility to keep track of their classes. 

One last thing. The title is so irrelevant to what I was blabbing about. But it means what it says. I can only wish.