If only I could read minds

Cherry:
Thank you! I will definitely make a list once I do my shopping! Once I hit my goal weight!
Though I can't promise you I'll be confident. ( and confidence is 1 key point that makes a person beautiful too )
Wow, I didn't know that. >o> Now I'll see guys in a whole diff way. No joke.

~

So I'm a major disappointment. I just can't do it.

I don't have the self control, enough determination, enough hope to accomplish my diet. Once I get home I just give up and say, "what's the point? I'll always be fat and ugly. I'll always be the failure I was born as." I'm not popular, I don't have many friends, and I'm sure as hell not very smart - but all those things don't really matter to me. Popularity is nothing even though I've dreamed of being in the groups in the past. Friends are indescribable. You can't just pick them. They will come to you eventually. And being smart? I know I'm not very smart so I study, work hard, and pay attention during class. Because I believe I can reach my goals that way. 

But I just fucking can't take it anymore. This is a food cycle I'm on. I binge, I fast, I restrict, I binge, I fast, I restrict. It won't stop.

As long as I keep binging, it won't work.

Remember how I mentioned my BFF said she believed in me when I said I wanted to get 90%+ in all my classes, and to have at least a 90 average? I told you guys I didn't believe her. I have trust issues. I said I don't even care if anyone believes in me or not. Well guess what I'm about to unlock? 

Last week, I was sitting in class talking to a group of people about school stuff, and somehow it got to the subject about me failing math. Yes, I did. =____=; I'm not proud of it one bit. Anyway, when I said that, this one girl's face like...kind of...fell. What I mean is it's like she found out I failed a course and immediately thinks I'm retarded. No, not retarded, but...really stupid. I hate it. I also remember blabbing to this one girl about it at school last year and I was just so distressed. She was no help. You know what she did? Just stared at me and from then on, lost all respect for me. She was all rude starting that day. Disses me and all that shit.

Just because I failed a course.

I know I shouldn't have. I am of course, very mad about it. The course failure.

Do you guys see anything WRONG with that? Or is it just me? I fucking know I should have asked for help immediately but I was scared. ( yes, some issues here )

It's terrible how people judge you. I know I do it too - everyone does. You can't do anything about it. You can't stop it. You can deny it, but you'll be in denial. You'd be a lie to yourself. 

But seriously? Just because I failed a course doesn't mean I'm auto stupid for life. And it doesn't mean I'm terrible at all my other courses. So you know what I do when I see their faces? I pretend nothing happened. I even ignore the rudeness from that one girl and be nice to her. I pretend to be all mean and tough (but I am actually sometimes mean and harsh, only while talking with my BFF though) but inside, I'm such a..."softie". It's disgusting - but I am. If someone I disliked asked me to do them a small favor in my face, I'd accept it without thinking twice. Depending on what it is of course. But usually they're super small ones. But still. It's like I'm not capable of treating them like how they treat me. Then right after that, I feel all stepped on.

I got off topic. But the main thing is that no one believes me. And I know the reasons why.

I can't guarantee I'll constantly be successful, but I will try my best. I don't want to disappoint anyone.

Tomorrow I will start the diet - from the beginning. I'll try to update everyday but unfortunately, I'm a high school student and I do do my homework regularly. >o>;

Also, my SS project was supposed to be due on Wed but the teacher didn't mark down our class's due date. A few guys kept telling him it was due on Fri and finally, the teacher nodded and so I guess it's not been extended. No one got up to say anything though. I would have, but it's the teacher's responsibility to keep track of their classes. 

One last thing. The title is so irrelevant to what I was blabbing about. But it means what it says. I can only wish.