Always breaking the rules

That's me.

The truth is, I cannot stick to the rules of anything. Especially diets. 

You know what's coming - so brace yourself. You don't want to be like me.

But I'm never going on any specific diets anymore. You know, like the ABC, skinny girl, and other detox diets. I always break the rules - or the rules are just too...well, not good enough for me. You know the skinny girl diet? It says you shouldn't count veggies and fruits...but those are calories right there. I just can't help but include them. I feel like I'm lying to myself if I don't count them. And when I do, I realize how fat I am becoming. I even feel fuller at the sight of my cal intakes!

So. No more diets. I'll just eat whatever I want - and I meant that in a non diet restricted way.

Are you following?

Well, besides my food intakes and talk of school...I had a serious mental debate yesterday night with myself. I was searching for laptop brands and trying to read more reviews on them. I got distracted and started looking at the iTouch - the new one that came out a few weeks ago. I want it so much.

I'm so close to it too...I mean, I just have to save for another 2 months and I'll be able to get it. 

But not being able to go clothes shopping really irks me. I love clothes. Even though I rarely wear them (because I buy them in size smalls or x-smalls) it's not a waste. I feel happy if I'm able to stare at them in my closet. I know I'm a freak...>____>;

So from now on, I'll talk about clothes as well. I'll post pics of clothes and clothing thinspo (thin people wearing clothes I like?).

I like the sweater A LOT. I have a thing for gold hearts and crowns, you know. >o> And it's from Forever21, so I decided to blur all models that are from a well known store. Just because...well, I don't think it's right for people to use them outside of the store. If I know they're modeling for a specific store I'll blur it. If I don't know then I won't.

...And I was looking up for some things...I found this. Then a lot of creepy but beautiful pics that look like paintings of the victorian era. =/

I don't think they're blog related so I didn't bother posting them up. But I might one day. 

I also found this outfit I really liked on this Japanese brand site. When I tried to save the photo however, it wouldn't work. It was blocked or something so I didn't print screen. They prob did that on purpose. >o<

Anyway, yeah.

I bet your day was more interesting.

I love Taylor Momsen's style. Plus she's real pretty.

Day 1 and in for a report!

Limit 400 cals. (are you supposed to eat up to the number?)

small plate of mac and cheese which was 350

banana

2 vitamins (it doesn't say the cals, so I'm going to search it up later)

Total: 350

Woohoo, doing great. Let's hope I don't fail at dinner time. I'm hoping to just drink water for the night.

I already feel really fat. >o< I don't know why. Maybe the food I ate yesterday hasn't completely left my system yet. XD

Anyway, not much going on. Woke up late, listened to music, read, chores, showered...yeah.

Homework will be done later.

I'm so boring. D;

It's like Spring all over again

Cherry:

As always, thank you!

I took your advice and it did work! Or maybe it's the weather...but I'm feeling way better now.

Anyway, thank you to all my followers. I really appreciate it - knowing that someone is reading. Makes me feel less...alone? I guess that's how I should put it.

~

I don't feel like going on about my loads of homework stacked on my desk right now, and I so don't think you guys want to read about it every single post either. 

I haven't been posting a whole bunch - mostly because I've been binging like crazy and I feel like I've failed you guys, and myself. But I'm in a good mood, so I won't do in depth about that or it might bring me down in the pits again. Ahem, kay...well, I love reading.

So much. I haven't read ever since school started, which is like...3 weeks. I've gone for 6 months last year without reading (besides school text books and novel studies) and I don't remember it being this bad. But like I said, I love reading. I really drags me out of reality even if it's only for a few hours or few minutes. I mostly enjoy books with action and romance - there has to be romance or I won't get into it. I highly recommend this book/series if you are like me. 

It's actually the second one but I didn't know about the first book and just read it. Too late to go read the first one though since it basically tells you what the character had done already. Anyway, there's going to the a third coming out this year. Can't wait to read it. It's so good. 

Before I blab on about more, I should prob state the titles. =____=;

In order:

"Need"

"Captivate"

and "Entice" by Carrie Jones. 

If you've read it, awesome! If not, it's about pixies and supernatural stuff too. Check it out?

Another thing is - what's with all the terrible weather predictions? They said it would rain all week and stuff but today it's sunny. It's a good thing  - but dudeee. This isn't the first time it's happened. 

Last but not least, I know you're all disappointed in me. D; But I get upset and binge. Like I'm not even kidding - I mean it when I say binge. Yesterday after school (was starving since the only thing I ate was a small tomato sandwich) I came home and threw everything  (meaning bag and books) in my room, then ran out to the kitchen and wolfed pizza, cookies, apple pies and candy down my throat.

Please, I disgust myself as well. In fact, I feel like throwing up right here at the computer as I type this out. Because I had pizza for lunch.

But...believe it or not - it's my LAST TIME.

Heck, a few days ago I told my friend about my high school goals and she told me, straight on, that she didn't believe me one bit. She has her right to not, obviously. I mean, that's her opinion and I don't even care. Ok, maybe a little. I was a little surprised.

The only way to hold on tightly to my goals - and to not fall, is to be determined. To have diligence.

I need it. I now have more reasons to not let go.

SKINNY GIRL DIET TOMORROW - SUNDAY. A revolution for moi.

I don't think I can do it today since those pieces of pizza I ate are worth about...300 cals EACH. 

Picture spam

Today I'm not feeling very good.

Emotionally and physically.

I have a lot of homework to do too. But I'm losing my focus.

For now, please enjoy these pics I've found.

If only I could read minds

Cherry:
Thank you! I will definitely make a list once I do my shopping! Once I hit my goal weight!
Though I can't promise you I'll be confident. ( and confidence is 1 key point that makes a person beautiful too )
Wow, I didn't know that. >o> Now I'll see guys in a whole diff way. No joke.

~

So I'm a major disappointment. I just can't do it.

I don't have the self control, enough determination, enough hope to accomplish my diet. Once I get home I just give up and say, "what's the point? I'll always be fat and ugly. I'll always be the failure I was born as." I'm not popular, I don't have many friends, and I'm sure as hell not very smart - but all those things don't really matter to me. Popularity is nothing even though I've dreamed of being in the groups in the past. Friends are indescribable. You can't just pick them. They will come to you eventually. And being smart? I know I'm not very smart so I study, work hard, and pay attention during class. Because I believe I can reach my goals that way. 

But I just fucking can't take it anymore. This is a food cycle I'm on. I binge, I fast, I restrict, I binge, I fast, I restrict. It won't stop.

As long as I keep binging, it won't work.

Remember how I mentioned my BFF said she believed in me when I said I wanted to get 90%+ in all my classes, and to have at least a 90 average? I told you guys I didn't believe her. I have trust issues. I said I don't even care if anyone believes in me or not. Well guess what I'm about to unlock? 

Last week, I was sitting in class talking to a group of people about school stuff, and somehow it got to the subject about me failing math. Yes, I did. =____=; I'm not proud of it one bit. Anyway, when I said that, this one girl's face like...kind of...fell. What I mean is it's like she found out I failed a course and immediately thinks I'm retarded. No, not retarded, but...really stupid. I hate it. I also remember blabbing to this one girl about it at school last year and I was just so distressed. She was no help. You know what she did? Just stared at me and from then on, lost all respect for me. She was all rude starting that day. Disses me and all that shit.

Just because I failed a course.

I know I shouldn't have. I am of course, very mad about it. The course failure.

Do you guys see anything WRONG with that? Or is it just me? I fucking know I should have asked for help immediately but I was scared. ( yes, some issues here )

It's terrible how people judge you. I know I do it too - everyone does. You can't do anything about it. You can't stop it. You can deny it, but you'll be in denial. You'd be a lie to yourself. 

But seriously? Just because I failed a course doesn't mean I'm auto stupid for life. And it doesn't mean I'm terrible at all my other courses. So you know what I do when I see their faces? I pretend nothing happened. I even ignore the rudeness from that one girl and be nice to her. I pretend to be all mean and tough (but I am actually sometimes mean and harsh, only while talking with my BFF though) but inside, I'm such a..."softie". It's disgusting - but I am. If someone I disliked asked me to do them a small favor in my face, I'd accept it without thinking twice. Depending on what it is of course. But usually they're super small ones. But still. It's like I'm not capable of treating them like how they treat me. Then right after that, I feel all stepped on.

I got off topic. But the main thing is that no one believes me. And I know the reasons why.

I can't guarantee I'll constantly be successful, but I will try my best. I don't want to disappoint anyone.

Tomorrow I will start the diet - from the beginning. I'll try to update everyday but unfortunately, I'm a high school student and I do do my homework regularly. >o>;

Also, my SS project was supposed to be due on Wed but the teacher didn't mark down our class's due date. A few guys kept telling him it was due on Fri and finally, the teacher nodded and so I guess it's not been extended. No one got up to say anything though. I would have, but it's the teacher's responsibility to keep track of their classes. 

One last thing. The title is so irrelevant to what I was blabbing about. But it means what it says. I can only wish.

Skinny girl diet

Yes, I'm that desperate to make my fat disappear. I need it to disappear.

But it's taking forever and I am not a very patient person, especially with myself.

This time though, I will stick it out to the end. It's my third attempt at this and I will NOT kill it. 

So today will be day one. 400 calories limit, no prob.

Veggies and fruit don't count so you can eat as many as you want (but remember, they are still calories. eat them when you are hungry only)

What I had today:

apple

spicy korean style noodles 190

1/4 piece of mooncake 200 (holy shit i know. it's such a small piece too)

Total: 390

That's all I'm having. I'll skip out on dinner tonight because that would be going over and I already feel like an oink oink.

Anyway, I'm feeling a little better. I mean, besides homework and projects, I'm doing ok. Nothing too special, nothing too boring. Though I'm probably boring you guys with this. 

I want to go shopping. I haven't even spent a penny with my birthday money yet, even though it isn't that much. I should save...but what for? I'll save when I get a part time job and I actually get paid. 

But I hate buying tops. Because I'm fat I don't look good in them. I love buying shoes and skirts however because those will never change. I only buy stretchable skirts in case you're wondering. Jean skirts count too since they have some spandex in it. I mean my bottom isn't too fat. But of course I'd like to go down 1 size...which would be a 0. Then I will aim for a 00. But right now I'm a 1. D;

I dunno. I want hips and curves too...but I'll feel like a rectangle if I wear a size 00. (not saying anyone is cuz I'm the fat one and I don't remember how I look when I used to be skinny) My cousin is like a size 3 or 4 but she has hips and curves! Without being fat on the top (thighs are a bit big to me). >o>; I feel bad now, but I have to say what I'm thinking. It's like a diary here anyway. 

K so...about clothes. I want to start wearing boots and skirts to school - I've always wanted to do that but uhm, ahem, my self esteem is super low on the scale. And uhm...all my boots are high heels and I don't want to wear high heels to school.

Oh my gooooooosh, I cannot wait until I'm thin enough to show off my waist! I will then wear body hugging tank tops. And tube tops. (without looking slutty) I think those are very pretty.

When I reach my ultimate goal I will go to the really expensive hair salon I've wanted to go to for a year now, and get my hair extreme moisturized (it lasts for 3-6 months and will make your hair shiny, soft, and extremely healthy looking), cut, and maybe permed. Not too sure on the last one since I like my straight hair too.

Girly fantasies, girly fantasies that I will only admit here.

And after, I'd like to go panty and bra shopping. Because then I'd obviously be smaller and uh...well, uh...be needing new stuff. I'd buy nicer quality intimates though, not the crappy cotton ones I have. >___>;

Maybe then a guy will ask me to dance. For fuck's sake! Right. I've been wanting to say this for a week now.

I'm so sick of asking guys to dance. Am I THAT repulsive? Why does no one ask me? Maybe that's why no one has asked me out yet too (not that I'm desperate. someone will come when the time's right). I feel kind of weird always being the one asking. If I don't ask I won't be dancing at all. That's the problem. D;

Okay, time to face the fucking truth. I am so terribly, horribly disgusting! Duh, with my hanging fat and stout figure, of course no one asks. Why am I even second guessing in the first place?

I think I've blabbed too much. Well...I won't binge tonight. I won't even be eating tonight. Au revoir!

I need a guard

...that will protect me from danger

that will make sure I focus

that will stop me from falling

that will be my dance partner

that will always be by my side

that will never back-stab me

that will tutor me

that will make sure I control myself

that will do what they can to help me with my goals

that will just accept me

that won't make an obvious lie.

I don't know anymore. I don't know how to describe this feeling too.

It's just like...living, but you don't know what for. (no, I am not having suicidal thoughts. I won't be selfish and kill myself)

I go to school, I lose my self control, I repeat everything over and over again, I'm afraid, I'm not trying my best, I'm so...mellow! You know? Just wandering aimlessly looking for what? Nothing. There is nothing.

I feel nothing.

And right now, I don't even know what the heck I just wrote up there. (lame poem) I know I haven't posted in a few days even though it felt like a week. I've been busy with assignments and studying. And I hate myself. 

Why do I always make a fool out of myself in front of guys? 

Why can't I be better at dancing? 

Why can't I just stop eating like a pig and be thin?

Whenever I'm upset, I eat. And it does seem like I'm always upset.

And after I binge, I get even more upset and give up.

I said I wouldn't do that. I say things. I never do them. What does that make me? 

I need someone to punish me for eating. Punish me for not trying, Punish me for being such a failure.

~

(late)

Cherry: 

Thank you! <3

Issyla:

Exactly. It's so long, and you're always tempted to eat.

Thank you!

But unfortunately, I had some problems with a few classes so I'm not in his class anymore. Oh well, I'd seriously prefer sitting back and admiring. 8D