I need a guard

...that will protect me from danger

that will make sure I focus

that will stop me from falling

that will be my dance partner

that will always be by my side

that will never back-stab me

that will tutor me

that will make sure I control myself

that will do what they can to help me with my goals

that will just accept me

that won't make an obvious lie.

I don't know anymore. I don't know how to describe this feeling too.

It's just like...living, but you don't know what for. (no, I am not having suicidal thoughts. I won't be selfish and kill myself)

I go to school, I lose my self control, I repeat everything over and over again, I'm afraid, I'm not trying my best, I'm so...mellow! You know? Just wandering aimlessly looking for what? Nothing. There is nothing.

I feel nothing.

And right now, I don't even know what the heck I just wrote up there. (lame poem) I know I haven't posted in a few days even though it felt like a week. I've been busy with assignments and studying. And I hate myself. 

Why do I always make a fool out of myself in front of guys? 

Why can't I be better at dancing? 

Why can't I just stop eating like a pig and be thin?

Whenever I'm upset, I eat. And it does seem like I'm always upset.

And after I binge, I get even more upset and give up.

I said I wouldn't do that. I say things. I never do them. What does that make me? 

I need someone to punish me for eating. Punish me for not trying, Punish me for being such a failure.

~

(late)

Cherry: 

Thank you! <3

Issyla:

Exactly. It's so long, and you're always tempted to eat.

Thank you!

But unfortunately, I had some problems with a few classes so I'm not in his class anymore. Oh well, I'd seriously prefer sitting back and admiring. 8D