This Year

Seems like the perfect year to shed all the fat.

Doesn't it just feel like it, though? What do you guys think?

There is absolutely no way I'd let myself get to senior year with fat clinging onto me. No way. I won't let it happen. 

It feels great. I'm doing so good.

I can't wait until I fit size 00 jeans and XS tops. Can't wait until I get asked to dance constantly. Can't wait until I reach my ultimate perfection.

Not only will I feel good about myself, I'll be able to face people with a positive attitude. I'll be able to face my failures then. I'll be able to have fun like every other girl out there.

I'll finally live a life.

But anyway, enough with my ranting. I haven't been posting for a few weeks, almost a month I think. But during that time, I was eating quite badly. Even if I did that, I was still able to lose weight because I exercised constantly. I used to laze around like a potato...but exercising is great. You feel the burning. The burning of the fat. Oh, maybe it's just me, but it gives me this high. It's like the more I do it, the more invincible I feel (not the actual drugs kind of high). To know I'm actually exercising and burning it off. To know I'm getting more fit. 

It's so tiring. Yes it is. But it lets me sleep easily, and reminds me how hard I worked. 

Again, there is no way I'd let myself wade in fat.

Boxing Day

Well, you know it. Today's boxing day.

On Christmas, I couldn't feel the spirit. I couldn't feel the happiness. Instead, I just felt...I don't know how to describe it, but...sort of sad.

The problem is I don't even know what I was moping around for.

Is it because of the people around me? My own failures? My weight? My fat?

What is it?

I don't know anymore. I seem to be very happy with my friends, but when I get home the sad feeling starts to sink in again. My failures flying around in my face.

It's true that if you want something, you'd try very hard to get it. You'd do anything to get it.

Maybe I don't want to become thin? 

Haha, what nonsense am I blabbering about? I honestly can't even plot out my wants. 

I obviously haven't been trying my hardest. I haven't been restricting one bit. I just want to be one of those girls who eat whatever and they're still thin and beautiful. I hate this. I just want to eat properly. I hate suffering like this.

But when I try to, I just couldn't really bring myself to do it. I'm impatient. I don't want to lose weight slowly. I want to become thin immediately!

So it's a never ending cycle. Always.

In conclusion to my depressing rant, I had a somewhat fun week. Christmas Eve was great. Christmas? Not so much. Today? I'm procrastinating over work. Yes, work. I have to do work on my break.

Today is a brand new day though. It can become the spark of hope.

Pounds lost, but can the scale be deceiving me?

I don't know if it's right.

But let me re-tell my story, as I see a lot more followers. (Hello~)

So a year ago or more, I got my scale taken away. I had absolutely no idea where my mom hid it, but probably seeing as I've gained weight, she brought it out again. Or at least I hope she's not thinking too much about my weight again. I hope she only brought it out for the rest of the family. 

But the last time I weighed myself was at the doctors. That was, what, in the summer? Long ago. I was 107.

But guess what? I weighed myself just now (everyone else went grocery shopping so I'm home alone) and....*drumroll please*

101!!

It makes me happy to know I've lost some. But I don't know if the scale is right anymore. It's kind of...old. And I don't feel like I've lost weight. I don't even see a bit of weight loss. In fact, before I had the courage to step on it, I was thinking I'd be 200 lbs. I'm still fat. I mean, it's obvious that my fat is still clinging onto me, unwilling to let go. But oh, how I truly despise it right at this moment. I'll work extra hard to get it off in time for the performance in January. You see, I have this dance thing. And I'll probably have to wear formal attire, which means everyone will then see how DISGUSTING I am.  Truly am, under all the baggy clothes I wear. Now don't get it wrong. I want to wear pretty dresses but at same time, I don't. I'm in a raging war with the enemy here, also known as lipid. Fat. Whatever you want to call it. Time is ticking and I only have a month and a half to get to my ultimate goal weight. To shed this fat off once and for all. I'm tired of looking at all the pretty, thing girls and feeling worthless. Ugly. Fat. Stupid. I want to outshine them just once. Or actually, shine with them at least. 

Besides, I'll probably scare the guys off. No one will want to dance with me then.

Main point of this post is - I'm officially going vegetarian tomorrow. I have been eating some meat, and quite a lot of seafood.

I'm going to be extremely strict with myself. No more rewards until the goal is met. No more partying until I prove myself worthy. No more procrastination and slacking.

I truly live in a cycle

When I'm happy I eat
When I'm upset I eat
Everything seems to be revolving around food.

So when I do not binge, I don't post, and when I do fail, I come here to rant about it. You can probably guess what's been going on lately. I have been restricting like crazy for days, but then today I just...something went and clicked the switch in my head. And I binged like someone who's crazy and doesn't have even 1% of self control.

My grades have been going down.
My friends seem bitchier.

I'm so disgusting, so ugly. I really wish there was someone to guide me through the tunnels, because I can't do much alone. I never have been Able to do much alone. Even if I want to, I'm too pathetic.
Too weak.


Won't someone come save me?

I have so many problems, and I'm so scared.

I worry too much.

About the people I'm following, and how inactive they've become. I consider this selfish thinking because what if they've found a way out? What if they found a way to recover? I should be happy for them...but yet, here I am, wondering, thinking, just missing them.

I need to stop this selfishness and focus on important things.

Like how I need to go to the doctor to discuss my period with her. I'm so scared, so scared of many things. I've had my period for 5 years now, and apparently it takes about 3 years max to have a steady, regular cycle. But mine has never been regular. In fact it's so irregular that it worries me. And I don't think it's my eating habits that's causing it. Maybe a little, but I think it's something else. Like imbalanced hormones? I'm just so afraid. I hate going to the doctors because they weigh you, and...uhg. I've always been scared of the doctors. Always hated going there. Does anyone know another reason to my irregular periods? Sometimes the cycle is steady ish...sometimes it isn't. Like this week...I just had it 10 days ago. That can't be normal for this type of thing.

What if they put me on birth control pills? Will I gain weight? I can't gain weight. I've heard stories about terrible weight gains from those things. I hate taking medicine and pills, forms of drugs. Any drugs...I'll hate them all.

Anyway, I do know I haven't been posting much. And I apologize for this due to school (my usual truth excuse). I'm getting a proper grip on it now, but I have 4 tests next week which is going to really bother me. When I'm upset I tend to binge until I feel utterly full. To the point of wanting to throw up. I can't do that as much as I'd like to because I have bad teeth and I cannot let them rot further. Not that they are...it's just that I have a lot of fillings and I have a terrible sweet tooth. I have stopped eating sweets now.

I'm afraid that if I start purging again...the dentist will be able to see. I'm getting braces so I'll have to go there monthly. Besides...some things are too addictive. I won't allow myself to head deeper into the path anymore than I already am. 

But today I woke up early to do my everyday bathroom activities and I think I lost some weight. I think my waist is an inch smaller now. I still don't have a scale (remember my post about being broke?). 

So now I'm relying on mirrors. It's a love hate cycle. At school when I look in the mirrors during dance, I see my fat face. I can feel it hanging there, pulling me down. I really see the fat at school.

At home, I still see it...but not as extreme. Maybe it's because I know I'm safe at home. All my secrets are safe at home. Maybe it's because I know I can do whatever I want. Or that I'm free to NOT to what I don't want to do.

The high of fasting is truly a terrifying, but beautiful thing. The feel of emptiness. If only I can get a good grasp on it - I can truly be happy.

Maybe.

Anyways, I hope you all had a wonderful week, and have a wonderful weekend at that!

Distant Competitions?

Is that even possible?

Let me do some vague summaries first of all, so you won't get confused.

Back in grade 7 I used to be "friends" with this bitch. She spread a lot of rumors behind my back and when I confronted her about it, she just laughed it off and was like, "it's true though, isn't it?"

You have no idea how mad I was. She is the only person besides my dad that I can truly find something in them to hate them for. She also did a lot of other stuff but it's not important. Pre-teen crushes, kay?

Well a few days ago I heard about her again from my friend. Apparently she was pregnant at 15 and had a baby.

Now, my point isn't this so I won't say anything about her choice.

I saw some pictures of her and...well she used to be really fat. I think she lost some weight now which really clicked a button in me. I can't really explain it...but whenever I know someone in real life, and they've lost some weight...even though I don't associate with them anymore...I get extremely competitive.

So it put me in this...well, competitive mood. Attitude. Whatever you call it.

I have the urges to become thinner than her. Better than her. I want to make her jealous, which is pretty ridiculous considering that I've moved and she has no idea where I am. She probably doesn't even remember me. Haven't seen her for 4 years. Isn't this just stupid? Well, it's not stopping me from my craziness.

Also, I didn't tell you about why I haven't been exercising. The lady said I wasn't supposed to after my "dental surgery (wisdom teeth pulled out)" so I've been listening. It's almost a week now so I think it's all right if I do some hardcore exercises, right? I'm also taking some pills for it like I mentioned in my last post so I don't know if that's going to affect me in any way...but I'm determined to shed my fat before Xmas. It's my next goal.

I want to reach my goal weight before that. I want to be in the double digits. Preferably 98 lbs.

My swollen week

=_____=; Literally. Almost.

First thing's first, thanks for the comments, my dear followers. And I see I have a few new ones. ;D

Now there's something I've been meaning to tell you guys about, but I don't think I know how to - properly. I know some of you read my blog, and you're probably wondering who I am. You know? I don't have any info up yet because like my title says, I've built these metal walls around myself - to keep enemies from finding me. I don't want anyone to find out about this. But I'm here, and I'm a hundred percent sure you guys aren't my enemies. Right? Yeah.

I'll write something up someday. Know that I'm not some kind of creeper robot or anything like that.

So ahem, starting from the day I got my wisdom teeth pulled out.

Wednesday

-didn't eat anything after this because my cheeks hurt and obviously my gums

-but in the morning I binged

Thursday

-major swelling

-ate 2 yogurts 70 cals

-a banana 200...? o___o I had no idea, but that's a rough estimate after web searches

-almost the whole condensed can of tomato soup (nothing in it) approx 300?

Total: approx 570 

Friday

-whole can of condensed mushroom soup approx 400 cals?

-some crackers in it 90 cals

-2 slices of cantalope approx 90 cals?

-at dinner, binged on whole bowl of noodles and big bowl of rice soup thing (gross, all that carb) approx 500?? D;

Total: around 1080

Today:

-7 soda crackers in a very small rice bowl size of tomato soup. approx 150 c

AND tonight, I'm going to just drink the soup. I'm going to save it so it will last for the whole day.

As you can see...my week has been pretty bad. I have to take these pills for a whole entire week so I have no idea how that's affecting my weight. I have so much studying to do. Uhg...I just want it to be Christmas already. I love it. 

I know I'll have at least a week with no school.

My cheek is still swollen. STILL. 

Lastly, if you're wondering why I never state my weight, it's because I got it taken away. I was also going to buy another one myself and hide it, but when I went to the mall, I couldn't resist the new itouch. I've been like, drooling after it ever since it was released. So yeah...dead broke. Mind you, I'm NOT rich. The money was from birthday and chores. Around 3-4 months of saving? =/ Maybe less.

It's worth it. I can surf the web and watch vids on youtube. I can even go read all your blogs on there! ;D

With it, hopefully, I can get more motivation...by searching for pics and reading blogs without worrying about having to delete the history. I mean there is a button on it...but no one can get in because of the passcode every uhm....5 mins of not doing anything? Yeah sure. Something like that.

Now, back to weight issues. As always.

Last time I weighed myself...I was 107. I don't even know if that's accurate because it was in the middle of the day and I kind of...ate and drank. A lot of water. This was at the doctors. (I'm literally dieing from my want to get on a scale)

It's really hard to detect a fake smile

It really is.

People say they can find their friend's fake smiles and real smiles. But can they really? Or is it just their mind playing tricks on them?

All my smiles are genuine at school...because my friends make me happy and always manage to make me smile. But I haven't laughed like a maniac for months now. I miss my bestie who's just...not far away, but the distance between our friendship is like a thin string already being shred apart in the center. I miss laughing nonstop, and I miss the crazy days we had.

But if I was given a choice I wouldn't go back there. I hate that place. I can't face those people because I grew up with them and they're evil. At least here, I know people don't know me very well. I'm a mystery to them. Even my friends don't know me well enough. They only see the surface.

I'm so selfish. If I could bring my bestie back here, I would.

But anyway, I'm still stressed about school work. I'm afraid to tell my mom I need a tutor...again. And the thing is I don't even want a tutor. But I'm falling so behind and I can't seem to concentrate on math. It's just too frustrating knowing you have a mountain full of math piled up for you to solve. I hate that they took me out of that other class and put me in one that didn't have books.

I should have not listened to the teachers. I should have kept my book and not returned it.

See...sometimes you HAVE to be selfish to climb to the top. Sometimes you just can't play fair. If you do, you only hurt yourself.

And look what I've done.

I want to become better than those people. I want to become the smartest, the BEST. But for some reason...even though I know I'll never be, I keep on looking forward.

But then, I keep on stressing.

Getting a tutor would mean I'm really stupid. I mean, it'd make me feel stupid. 

So I'll hold out for another week and try my best. Math problems are really not my thing. They really aren't. >_____<

I've also said this over before, but...I'm already off to a bad start. I don't think I have any 90%s currently in any of my classes. I know for sure I have a B standing in socials but that's it.

By the end of the term, I have to have straight 90s. I have to show my family, my friends. MYSELF most importantly. I have to show them I CAN do it.

I don't want my friend to be right about my math. I won't let her be right.

Am I in denial? I want to get higher marks than any of my friends. But I also kind of know I'm not...the brightest out of them.

Also, hit me, yell at me, anything you wish to punish me.

I binged on HALF A PIZZA.

That's all I've had for the day. And that's all I'm having. That's enough food for me.

The only thing I'm allowing myself to drink is water. No food allowed beyond this point.

I sure hope you all are seriously doing better than ME today. 

I thought I was doing ok

In school. Looks like I'm not.

I'm also very stressed out because I have a lot of math to be catching up on - and right now, all I want to do is go shopping. I haven't shopped for a whole month now. >____>; When I say that, I don't mean buying something every time. I meant hanging out at the malls with some friends and having some girl time. But everyone else is as stressed as me, dealing with school and the teachers. Everyone has projects to work on. Everyone is studying for upcoming tests.

And all I'm seriously thinking about is having fun and ditching the thought of schoolwork for just a day. Maybe tomorrow. I'm still waiting for a reply from my friend.

I'll most likely work the whole day (chores and math, ss, bio) then after all that, exercise like crazy. I don't include dance as an exercise because I'm not heavily sweating like a pig (pigs don't sweat, I know, I know. It's just a phrase I can't stop saying) which means my heart rate isn't going up to the max. I need to seriously get in shape and stop lazing around so much! 

As for my eating...I know I haven't posted in forever, but I'm actually doing pretty good. Been restricting like crazy. I have no problems with it anymore now that I have a whole new goal in mind. 

It's pretty lame.

I feel like a major stick, or rectangle. I have no curves. >____< But I've seen so many thinspo pics where girls have tiny waists and if I could get mine to become as small as theirs, I think some curves will show. I hate that I have absolutely no curves. I hate that so much.

It's pretty much my summary in replacement for the days I didn't post. So sorry.

I hope you are all doing better than me!

Always breaking the rules

That's me.

The truth is, I cannot stick to the rules of anything. Especially diets. 

You know what's coming - so brace yourself. You don't want to be like me.

But I'm never going on any specific diets anymore. You know, like the ABC, skinny girl, and other detox diets. I always break the rules - or the rules are just too...well, not good enough for me. You know the skinny girl diet? It says you shouldn't count veggies and fruits...but those are calories right there. I just can't help but include them. I feel like I'm lying to myself if I don't count them. And when I do, I realize how fat I am becoming. I even feel fuller at the sight of my cal intakes!

So. No more diets. I'll just eat whatever I want - and I meant that in a non diet restricted way.

Are you following?

Well, besides my food intakes and talk of school...I had a serious mental debate yesterday night with myself. I was searching for laptop brands and trying to read more reviews on them. I got distracted and started looking at the iTouch - the new one that came out a few weeks ago. I want it so much.

I'm so close to it too...I mean, I just have to save for another 2 months and I'll be able to get it. 

But not being able to go clothes shopping really irks me. I love clothes. Even though I rarely wear them (because I buy them in size smalls or x-smalls) it's not a waste. I feel happy if I'm able to stare at them in my closet. I know I'm a freak...>____>;

So from now on, I'll talk about clothes as well. I'll post pics of clothes and clothing thinspo (thin people wearing clothes I like?).

I like the sweater A LOT. I have a thing for gold hearts and crowns, you know. >o> And it's from Forever21, so I decided to blur all models that are from a well known store. Just because...well, I don't think it's right for people to use them outside of the store. If I know they're modeling for a specific store I'll blur it. If I don't know then I won't.

...And I was looking up for some things...I found this. Then a lot of creepy but beautiful pics that look like paintings of the victorian era. =/

I don't think they're blog related so I didn't bother posting them up. But I might one day. 

I also found this outfit I really liked on this Japanese brand site. When I tried to save the photo however, it wouldn't work. It was blocked or something so I didn't print screen. They prob did that on purpose. >o<

Anyway, yeah.

I bet your day was more interesting.

I love Taylor Momsen's style. Plus she's real pretty.

Day 1 and in for a report!

Limit 400 cals. (are you supposed to eat up to the number?)

small plate of mac and cheese which was 350

banana

2 vitamins (it doesn't say the cals, so I'm going to search it up later)

Total: 350

Woohoo, doing great. Let's hope I don't fail at dinner time. I'm hoping to just drink water for the night.

I already feel really fat. >o< I don't know why. Maybe the food I ate yesterday hasn't completely left my system yet. XD

Anyway, not much going on. Woke up late, listened to music, read, chores, showered...yeah.

Homework will be done later.

I'm so boring. D;

It's like Spring all over again

Cherry:

As always, thank you!

I took your advice and it did work! Or maybe it's the weather...but I'm feeling way better now.

Anyway, thank you to all my followers. I really appreciate it - knowing that someone is reading. Makes me feel less...alone? I guess that's how I should put it.

~

I don't feel like going on about my loads of homework stacked on my desk right now, and I so don't think you guys want to read about it every single post either. 

I haven't been posting a whole bunch - mostly because I've been binging like crazy and I feel like I've failed you guys, and myself. But I'm in a good mood, so I won't do in depth about that or it might bring me down in the pits again. Ahem, kay...well, I love reading.

So much. I haven't read ever since school started, which is like...3 weeks. I've gone for 6 months last year without reading (besides school text books and novel studies) and I don't remember it being this bad. But like I said, I love reading. I really drags me out of reality even if it's only for a few hours or few minutes. I mostly enjoy books with action and romance - there has to be romance or I won't get into it. I highly recommend this book/series if you are like me. 

It's actually the second one but I didn't know about the first book and just read it. Too late to go read the first one though since it basically tells you what the character had done already. Anyway, there's going to the a third coming out this year. Can't wait to read it. It's so good. 

Before I blab on about more, I should prob state the titles. =____=;

In order:

"Need"

"Captivate"

and "Entice" by Carrie Jones. 

If you've read it, awesome! If not, it's about pixies and supernatural stuff too. Check it out?

Another thing is - what's with all the terrible weather predictions? They said it would rain all week and stuff but today it's sunny. It's a good thing  - but dudeee. This isn't the first time it's happened. 

Last but not least, I know you're all disappointed in me. D; But I get upset and binge. Like I'm not even kidding - I mean it when I say binge. Yesterday after school (was starving since the only thing I ate was a small tomato sandwich) I came home and threw everything  (meaning bag and books) in my room, then ran out to the kitchen and wolfed pizza, cookies, apple pies and candy down my throat.

Please, I disgust myself as well. In fact, I feel like throwing up right here at the computer as I type this out. Because I had pizza for lunch.

But...believe it or not - it's my LAST TIME.

Heck, a few days ago I told my friend about my high school goals and she told me, straight on, that she didn't believe me one bit. She has her right to not, obviously. I mean, that's her opinion and I don't even care. Ok, maybe a little. I was a little surprised.

The only way to hold on tightly to my goals - and to not fall, is to be determined. To have diligence.

I need it. I now have more reasons to not let go.

SKINNY GIRL DIET TOMORROW - SUNDAY. A revolution for moi.

I don't think I can do it today since those pieces of pizza I ate are worth about...300 cals EACH. 

Picture spam

Today I'm not feeling very good.

Emotionally and physically.

I have a lot of homework to do too. But I'm losing my focus.

For now, please enjoy these pics I've found.

If only I could read minds

Cherry:
Thank you! I will definitely make a list once I do my shopping! Once I hit my goal weight!
Though I can't promise you I'll be confident. ( and confidence is 1 key point that makes a person beautiful too )
Wow, I didn't know that. >o> Now I'll see guys in a whole diff way. No joke.

~

So I'm a major disappointment. I just can't do it.

I don't have the self control, enough determination, enough hope to accomplish my diet. Once I get home I just give up and say, "what's the point? I'll always be fat and ugly. I'll always be the failure I was born as." I'm not popular, I don't have many friends, and I'm sure as hell not very smart - but all those things don't really matter to me. Popularity is nothing even though I've dreamed of being in the groups in the past. Friends are indescribable. You can't just pick them. They will come to you eventually. And being smart? I know I'm not very smart so I study, work hard, and pay attention during class. Because I believe I can reach my goals that way. 

But I just fucking can't take it anymore. This is a food cycle I'm on. I binge, I fast, I restrict, I binge, I fast, I restrict. It won't stop.

As long as I keep binging, it won't work.

Remember how I mentioned my BFF said she believed in me when I said I wanted to get 90%+ in all my classes, and to have at least a 90 average? I told you guys I didn't believe her. I have trust issues. I said I don't even care if anyone believes in me or not. Well guess what I'm about to unlock? 

Last week, I was sitting in class talking to a group of people about school stuff, and somehow it got to the subject about me failing math. Yes, I did. =____=; I'm not proud of it one bit. Anyway, when I said that, this one girl's face like...kind of...fell. What I mean is it's like she found out I failed a course and immediately thinks I'm retarded. No, not retarded, but...really stupid. I hate it. I also remember blabbing to this one girl about it at school last year and I was just so distressed. She was no help. You know what she did? Just stared at me and from then on, lost all respect for me. She was all rude starting that day. Disses me and all that shit.

Just because I failed a course.

I know I shouldn't have. I am of course, very mad about it. The course failure.

Do you guys see anything WRONG with that? Or is it just me? I fucking know I should have asked for help immediately but I was scared. ( yes, some issues here )

It's terrible how people judge you. I know I do it too - everyone does. You can't do anything about it. You can't stop it. You can deny it, but you'll be in denial. You'd be a lie to yourself. 

But seriously? Just because I failed a course doesn't mean I'm auto stupid for life. And it doesn't mean I'm terrible at all my other courses. So you know what I do when I see their faces? I pretend nothing happened. I even ignore the rudeness from that one girl and be nice to her. I pretend to be all mean and tough (but I am actually sometimes mean and harsh, only while talking with my BFF though) but inside, I'm such a..."softie". It's disgusting - but I am. If someone I disliked asked me to do them a small favor in my face, I'd accept it without thinking twice. Depending on what it is of course. But usually they're super small ones. But still. It's like I'm not capable of treating them like how they treat me. Then right after that, I feel all stepped on.

I got off topic. But the main thing is that no one believes me. And I know the reasons why.

I can't guarantee I'll constantly be successful, but I will try my best. I don't want to disappoint anyone.

Tomorrow I will start the diet - from the beginning. I'll try to update everyday but unfortunately, I'm a high school student and I do do my homework regularly. >o>;

Also, my SS project was supposed to be due on Wed but the teacher didn't mark down our class's due date. A few guys kept telling him it was due on Fri and finally, the teacher nodded and so I guess it's not been extended. No one got up to say anything though. I would have, but it's the teacher's responsibility to keep track of their classes. 

One last thing. The title is so irrelevant to what I was blabbing about. But it means what it says. I can only wish.

Skinny girl diet

Yes, I'm that desperate to make my fat disappear. I need it to disappear.

But it's taking forever and I am not a very patient person, especially with myself.

This time though, I will stick it out to the end. It's my third attempt at this and I will NOT kill it. 

So today will be day one. 400 calories limit, no prob.

Veggies and fruit don't count so you can eat as many as you want (but remember, they are still calories. eat them when you are hungry only)

What I had today:

apple

spicy korean style noodles 190

1/4 piece of mooncake 200 (holy shit i know. it's such a small piece too)

Total: 390

That's all I'm having. I'll skip out on dinner tonight because that would be going over and I already feel like an oink oink.

Anyway, I'm feeling a little better. I mean, besides homework and projects, I'm doing ok. Nothing too special, nothing too boring. Though I'm probably boring you guys with this. 

I want to go shopping. I haven't even spent a penny with my birthday money yet, even though it isn't that much. I should save...but what for? I'll save when I get a part time job and I actually get paid. 

But I hate buying tops. Because I'm fat I don't look good in them. I love buying shoes and skirts however because those will never change. I only buy stretchable skirts in case you're wondering. Jean skirts count too since they have some spandex in it. I mean my bottom isn't too fat. But of course I'd like to go down 1 size...which would be a 0. Then I will aim for a 00. But right now I'm a 1. D;

I dunno. I want hips and curves too...but I'll feel like a rectangle if I wear a size 00. (not saying anyone is cuz I'm the fat one and I don't remember how I look when I used to be skinny) My cousin is like a size 3 or 4 but she has hips and curves! Without being fat on the top (thighs are a bit big to me). >o>; I feel bad now, but I have to say what I'm thinking. It's like a diary here anyway. 

K so...about clothes. I want to start wearing boots and skirts to school - I've always wanted to do that but uhm, ahem, my self esteem is super low on the scale. And uhm...all my boots are high heels and I don't want to wear high heels to school.

Oh my gooooooosh, I cannot wait until I'm thin enough to show off my waist! I will then wear body hugging tank tops. And tube tops. (without looking slutty) I think those are very pretty.

When I reach my ultimate goal I will go to the really expensive hair salon I've wanted to go to for a year now, and get my hair extreme moisturized (it lasts for 3-6 months and will make your hair shiny, soft, and extremely healthy looking), cut, and maybe permed. Not too sure on the last one since I like my straight hair too.

Girly fantasies, girly fantasies that I will only admit here.

And after, I'd like to go panty and bra shopping. Because then I'd obviously be smaller and uh...well, uh...be needing new stuff. I'd buy nicer quality intimates though, not the crappy cotton ones I have. >___>;

Maybe then a guy will ask me to dance. For fuck's sake! Right. I've been wanting to say this for a week now.

I'm so sick of asking guys to dance. Am I THAT repulsive? Why does no one ask me? Maybe that's why no one has asked me out yet too (not that I'm desperate. someone will come when the time's right). I feel kind of weird always being the one asking. If I don't ask I won't be dancing at all. That's the problem. D;

Okay, time to face the fucking truth. I am so terribly, horribly disgusting! Duh, with my hanging fat and stout figure, of course no one asks. Why am I even second guessing in the first place?

I think I've blabbed too much. Well...I won't binge tonight. I won't even be eating tonight. Au revoir!

I need a guard

...that will protect me from danger

that will make sure I focus

that will stop me from falling

that will be my dance partner

that will always be by my side

that will never back-stab me

that will tutor me

that will make sure I control myself

that will do what they can to help me with my goals

that will just accept me

that won't make an obvious lie.

I don't know anymore. I don't know how to describe this feeling too.

It's just like...living, but you don't know what for. (no, I am not having suicidal thoughts. I won't be selfish and kill myself)

I go to school, I lose my self control, I repeat everything over and over again, I'm afraid, I'm not trying my best, I'm so...mellow! You know? Just wandering aimlessly looking for what? Nothing. There is nothing.

I feel nothing.

And right now, I don't even know what the heck I just wrote up there. (lame poem) I know I haven't posted in a few days even though it felt like a week. I've been busy with assignments and studying. And I hate myself. 

Why do I always make a fool out of myself in front of guys? 

Why can't I be better at dancing? 

Why can't I just stop eating like a pig and be thin?

Whenever I'm upset, I eat. And it does seem like I'm always upset.

And after I binge, I get even more upset and give up.

I said I wouldn't do that. I say things. I never do them. What does that make me? 

I need someone to punish me for eating. Punish me for not trying, Punish me for being such a failure.

~

(late)

Cherry: 

Thank you! <3

Issyla:

Exactly. It's so long, and you're always tempted to eat.

Thank you!

But unfortunately, I had some problems with a few classes so I'm not in his class anymore. Oh well, I'd seriously prefer sitting back and admiring. 8D

Fast and slow

Quick note. I will be doing comment replies first thing every new post I make. So don't worry about checking. You can read it in the new posts. ;D


Issyla:
Yes, I definitely do. It's irritatingly stressful knowing you have something right there that needs to be completed.
Also, thanks! But I'm a major procrastinator too so if I fall back into my old routine - I'm screwed. But I will def try my hardest!

~

 Today was a very slow day. Especially since I fasted...I could not stop thinking about food and I went out into the kitchen several times, opening the fridge, holding out cracker bags. Uhg. 
The whole time I kept reminding myself that I have a planet full of fat stored within my body - and it's up to me to defeat it. Kind of like an action story, only it's super lame. But it's become my number one "motivator" now. My will power will not be conquered by zee villian! (aka fat) If that makes any sense.


In the end, I did it. x___x;
I mean I didn't eat at all, which is great.


But I have to eat tomorrow and for the rest of the week because of school. I don't know what I'll be doing next weekend so I can't plan my fasts yet. I hate when my plans are not solid.


Hah, of course I didn't walk around thinking about food for the whole day. I spent some time working on my English paper (time wasting because I only got 1 paragraph down) and studying for my chem quiz.
In fact, right after this post I have to study harder for it. I have to get 100% on everything.


Besides all that...there ain't much going on. I'm afraid I'm boring you guys with school talk. But there seriously isn't much.


Unless you are really interested in what I think about that guy. D;
Haha, nah. I would know if I had a crush on somebody. I'm pretty sure I got that thing down. I just think he's super interesting. I could probably become friends with him - but there's no way I'll go approach him. It's too sudden and crazy. I'll just sit back and enjoy the view, ya know? 8D 
Enough about this, it's getting boring already. If I have some other people to talk about, I will immediately blab to you guys about them. Sadly, all the cool guys moved on to uni or they've moved to another school. 
Sucks.

Bring on the challenges!

I used to fear it (maybe I still do, who knows) but now I'm not afraid to face it. School is definitely going to be harder this year for me, but I'm willing to spend most of my time on homework and studying. If I want to get straight As, and have an average of 90%...well, I obviously have to work hard. You know, I was always a failure at school. I got terrible marks and once failed a math course. 

So who would believe me? I know no one does - even my mom is skeptical but it doesn't matter. I know my friends don't believe me too much either, but my BFF is always cheering for me to go on. I should believe in her...but I don't. I have major trust issues. The funny thing is, I don't care! Like I seriously don't even give a shit anymore. Because I believe I can accomplish my goals (how cheesy) by this year. I know I can become thin and pretty. With walking thinspo...how can I not? And with a school full of extremely smart people I can really use some competition.

And as you might have guessed already (or maybe I posted it somewhere in my old posts) I get super competitive when it comes to weight loss. If someone in real life was wanting to lose weight (last year it was one of my friends) I will be like: "I'll make sure I lose weight faster than she does. I'll make sure I get to my goal asap!" 

I'm not even joking about that. It's crazy. And I'll say things like, "you need to eat healthy, etc"

Holy shit. That is so hypocritical of me. But I can't help it. I'm a terrible friend and person. >____<;

But anyway, the friend never pushed herself to lose weight. I think she just gave up after a day and decided to eat whatever she wanted. Blah. I could really use some of that competition this year.

On to school. Last night it took me 2 hours to finish my socials homework. I kept getting distracted and I kept day dreaming and all that jazz. I still have an English intro paper to write which is due in 5 days but I'm pretty much a couch potato. I have some math work to finish up as well...then I should be studying for my chem safety quiz for Monday. So much to do...x___x; if you think about how long my English paper will be (which I will def make long and pro).

I'll try to finish all those today if possible.

And here comes the "daily" food intake!

Food consumed today:

-meat lasagna 250c

-few pieces of salted crackers approx 90c

-small bowl of rise with some cauliflower and tomatoes with eggs approx 400c

Total: 740c

o___o; How did this happen?

Also, I'd like my followers to know that I DO read your comments and I really appreciate it. <3 Even if I don't reply back because most of the time I don't know what to say. >___<

Thank you!

I'll definitely be able to catch up on your blogs.