Birthday uncertainty

Birthday = cake usually, right?

It's my birthday, and I'm anxious, pissed off, and just...miserable.
A normal family would buy a cake and do all the "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!" shit and celebrate like crazy, righttttt? Well, I don't have a "normal" family. We don't really do things like that anymore. We used to. But not anymore. I dunno, my mind is thinking about a whole bunch of things right now. So I might sound like a person rambling and not making any sense.


But man, I need to get this off my chest.

I'm pissed off because a birthday is like a normal day now
I'm pissed off because I binged - I let myself
I'm anxiously pissed off because my work is never good enough. Everyone else can make their papers sound pro and all, but I cannot.
Friends would wish me a happy birthday, right? I got none of that except for one...I think. I can't remember who said it to me though. My brain is jumbled.
This guy is only in one of my classes...AGAIN.
I have mega issues.

ARHG! I should slowly let this out!

Starting with the guy since I know most of you are girls and not trying to be stereotypical here, but most girls like romance and talking about guys. Don't even lie about it. But anyway, I DON'T LIKE THIS GUY. But for some reason, I sometimes just randomly want to stare at that person for a while. But that person would see so I can't. It doesn't happen to other guys...just that dude. And honestly, that dude isn't even hot or good looking in my opinion. He's just SUPER different and interesting. Maybe it's because of that that I'm "attracted" to him? Or maybe it's because of my disgusting "history"? I used to be a big loner back in elementary and first year of middle school. People made fun of me, I was gross looking, and blahhh. I wasn't fat back then though. How fucking pathetic. I was perfectly thin. But you know how kids are these days...all about popularity, and it's just scary. I don't feel like getting into that yet. Maybe another time but this dude seems to be a loner. I know he has friends but not in most classes as far as I can "stalk tell". And the class I'm in, he's a big loner. And I can understand everything about that. One time I was hanging out with people and this girl I don't know very well said he was weird. I wanted to tell her that liking different things isn't weird. Everyone likes diff things. So if she said she liked pink piggies should I tell her she's weird? It wasn't in a very nice way which is why I felt really bad for even listening to her say it. She's a cool, funny person to be honest. But people aren't good with differences. They just aren't.

So, now...I'm just moping about. We had to write a paragraph in english today about this one topic. And I only got a few lines. We had to switch after and my friend's paper sounded SO FUCKING PRO. EVERYONE ELSE'S I READ IS LIKE THAT. Why am I always so bad at english? My vocab is small. Uhg...I just want to get straight A's. I'm sick of being a failure. I want to be one of the best. I have rocket sky high expectations for everything...myself included as you know. I need things to be perfect in my definition of perfect. And when things go wrong...I give up too easily. I want to be better than others. But this is really driving me psycho. I just want to hug someone and let them hear my ranting. But I'm not close to anyone like that. So sometimes I really wish I had a best friend like that. Someone I can rely upon with my feelings. Someone who will hug me until I feel better.

Oh jeez, I sound like some love-sappy dog or something. But I really do feel this way. I've never been hugged like that before. Even friend hugs are brief and...well, you can feel the "casualness" in it.

I'm so fucking depressing sometimes. I should be really happy!

But not when I know we might be eating cake tonight. Oh and about that. It's hard to explain. I only want to celebrate with my friends from my other school.